I haven't been in this space for a while. *blows cobwebs*

I miss the days i blogged alot. The days where social media platforms weren't a dime a dozen.. and my writing filled composition-long entries on my blog and pages in my diaries. But the present times have evolved. Nobody is patient enough nowadays to scroll through entire pages of words.. Blog entries unaccompanied by pictures are deemed to be wordy, and hence boring.

And without my constant practice, it seems i struggle to let the words flow.

I need to write.

Days at this time of the year are filled with idleness.. where my days are spent simply whiling around. I wake sometimes with no particular activity for the day.. like today. Woke at 10.. went for a simple brunch with my cousin at the nearby neighbourhood mall.. and then i came back and whiled the afternoon away, alternating between watching shows on my iPad, playing Plants vs Zombies, and napping.

It feels good.

It feels good to just take a day off like this with no concrete plans.. And i have only grown to appreciate days like this since i took on tuitions full time. Because i don't have a fixed routine to follow, i actually have more time on my hands.

Days during the busy period were agenda-packed. Reading, marking, planning lessons before the actual lessons on the day. So i think i do deserve this idleness in the lull period, and enjoy it without guilt.

But of course, years of habit and training does still make me feel that insidious guilt at times for idling for an extended period of time, so on days i feel geared to do something, i read random articles online, vacuum, mop and clean the toilets and cook simple meals for myself when i don't feel like stepping out at all.

Whichever mood for the day i am in, i appreciate. I appreciate my me time.

The last social gathering gave me a pensive night. As I shed the cloths and colours and trinkets, I pondered. I had felt overwhelmed in a crowd.. having always been all by myself all along. The quick meals in between lessons, seated at food courts or cafes with only my iPad or music for company, the lone travelling to the different venues, only in touch with the world through the social media platforms and Whatsapp.. I have grown increasingly used to this routine.. so plunged in a social situation does still have me confounded and befuddled. I can't seem to relate to the noise and activity.

And yet, i longed. I yearned. Still..

I have been very quick and efficient of recent years to learn to handle these feelings well. But they still lurk somewhere at the back of the secret enclaves.. teased and tempted by wisps of memory in situations or events as such.

Perhaps...

A little reminder..

I have been really tied down lately, and unfortunately have not been in the best of spirits as a result. I guess I forgot to take care of myself.. and I have even snapped at some people. Thankew for your patience with me my angels.. this period.. Received an email from one of those lists i subscribed to today that reminded me..

Hey Beautiful,

What do the ones we love need from us most of all?

They need us to stay the GEM that we are - by taking care of ourselves on the inside.

Here is an email I received about this:

Mimi,

Thank you for this message! The one factor I forgot in the equation of my life was me.

No more. I do need more.

Again, thank you.

Eve

Interestingly, this person's name is EVE.

EVE is a reminder of the first woman. EVE can remind us that our first and most important task is to honor the essence of who we are - (or who we are becoming)!

Taking care of you can be tough when times are toughest.

It's when it seems hardest of all to care for yourself that it's more important than ever to take care of YOU.

If you neglect your own emotional needs and don't listen to your own heart, then you won't be nearly your best at taking care of the people you love or the things you care about.

When you don't take care of yourself; when you put yourself last on your own list - then you open yourself up to getting sick or down emotionally or in some other kind of mess.

We all have our Moments of Truth. Everyone goes through tough times, even if it doesn't always seem that way.

If life gets too far from "normal" or "happy" for too long, it can be debilitating.

We often don't know what "normal" and "happy" are - until we no longer have them.

Tough times make us appreciate how wonderful it is to have "ordinary" times. What might otherwise seem ordinary is reason to get down on our knees in thankfulness.

You owe it to YOU to be YOU. Remember that people love you for who you are. Don't let yourself slip away - when you need your own strength the most.

The people who love you look to you for your strength and kindness and gentleness and humor and good-heartedness (or as much of those as you can rustle up) :).

Life is short, so contribute your best while you can - your good spirits and your encouraging words - even when it's not easy to do.

"Beautiful" is in your soul - in the person who treats the others who cross your path in a way that makes them feel happier, seen, heard, encouraged, and respected.

Often we also need to forgive others who are not able to give these same things back to us - because they're so consumed in stress and have lost the big picture.

How does this relate to your love life?

When it comes down to it, there's one thing that is more important than anything else:

The ultimate thing a man needs from the woman he loves is to be able to Trust Her Kind Heart.

If he has faith in that, then he has faith in you.

I have heard from women whose trust has been stomped on - and who have decided to step away from hurtful relationships - wisely!

Don't let that stop you from being you or from taking care of you. That's how to be strong and face what life brings us - finding solutions and making things work - or sometimes - just hanging on until the storm passes. Whatever it takes!

Credits: Mimi Tanner, Relationships advisor

I haven't used this space for very long. Just want to use this today to document a nice incident I had yesterday.

Sat on a cab back and the uncle, whom I realized was an old man upon payment, waived off almost $2 off my cab fare for me. So sweet! Just because he said he lived nearby.. My cab fare came up to $5.65, I handed him $6, and he just gave me back $2, I said cannot.. And he insisted because he only lived nearby. It is not everyday you meet a nice taxi uncle, so I must credit him.. On top of the fact he looks like the kind of nice grandfather I never had.

I believe in karma, paying it forward. Sometimes when I sit on a cab, I believe in giving that little extra, because my father is in the line himself, and I hope the good karma will go back and he will meet nice customers. Yesterday night, I met the nice uncle. I hope he receives good karma too.

=)

Tired..

I think I have to be okay with being me.

I don't have to feel guilty for my neuroticism ( note: different from neurosis ).

I have to know me being me is not defined by a single event.

They may find me short-tempered or jump to conclusions about someone they do not know even after all these years, or pass a judgement on someone they do not bother to know, but i got to go by M's nugget of wisdom : They are going to form conclusions anyway. Let them. M is my best woman in this world =) Love u M even if u don't read this.

Keep calm and cool. I miss my yoga. I wonder how is my prev yoga teacher doing now. Hope all is well with her..

Latest happenings..

The brief respite of *calm after the storm* has set in.. Post exams now, i can finally get a breather, and some air into my coughing lungs (haven't fully recovered.. am at the stage of losing my voice now). But wait, upcoming in less than 2 weeks is dear C's wedding.. I have already met the bridal party gals 2 days in a row with another breakfast meeting this Friday, a PH.

Thought i will update with some cheery pics after the rather droll, emo post below. I was just telling Kr that I write alot better when I am emo. My writing has been described as melancholic lol.

:: Featured for my work =) ::

It's actually a very small feature with one of my tuition agencies but nonetheless an achievement for these few years =) My heart did a little dance of joy when my agent messaged "May I have the pleasure of featuring you in our website?" Thank you!!



:: You made my day ::

Some sweet notes from the kiddos.. I had one of the worst coughs I've experienced, and this time round, it convinced me that cough is the hardest illness to recover, topping stomach problems in my opinion. It prevented me from getting my much-needed rest in the busy period.. I was tired, irritable, emo and suffering from lack of sleep in this period when I was working 7 days a week, thus explaining the spate of emo posts below when i could not sleep from trying to find a position to lie in my bed where i would not be rudely awakened by a coughing fit in the night. I also experienced some really embarrassing moments when i was commuting in between tuition locations and experienced a sudden dry cough fit. Those who have personally experienced it would know. There is this itch at the back of your throat that would trigger a persistent coughing and refused to be comforted. I would literally cough in public to the point of eyes overflowing and people backing away from me as though I have TB. Then there i would be, one hand covering my mouth, tears and mucus running over my face, as my other hand frantically searched my bag for my packet of tissues. It's utterly embarrassing to say the least.

However in this period, I also came to experience the sweetness of some kiddos. Received the two notes below and an sms that really touched me. Shared them on FB and Instagram too.



The last one is a cute msg from my aunt lolz =)

:: My Alter ego ::

Just some fave shots from a shoot with dear KD i managed to squeeze in this period. I love exploring my alter ego and satisfying the vanity in me and was really in love with the odango P did for me this time..



Nowadays I need to remember events from pictures which is why I'm alot more active on Instagram and Facebook. Do follow me at @shuling_17 for Instagram haha.

That's all for now... oh and before i end... haha here's a picture of my biggest buy ever.. Okay i will consider this my treat/reward for this year and the period of work. And i still haven't forgotten my priority of saving for the house in 6 years' time first. Thankful to my mum for forking first and loving-hating the sisters lolz for being the badgering ones who insisted i should be using the real one for all my love for it through inspireds..


Exclusively shown here and not on other social media platforms lolz

After a day of using it.. Im sold. Okay i did have the experience of carrying the inspireds to compare with too.. The handles are unbelievably comfortable sitting in the crook of the arm, much more than the hard ones of the inspireds that will cut into the flesh at times. And the smell of the leather is truly addictive. Take that from C who stuck her whole head into the bag to smell it haha. I am very pleased with my Giselle (christened her).

Hush my girl, dry those eyes.
You were not meant for tears.
You were meant for battle
Suit up that armour
Pick up that spear
Hold up your chin
And forward,straight,point

Stand my girl, don't lie and dream
You were not meant for fairytales.
Close that book
And put on your mask
For your innocence and naïveté
Are written all over your face
Surely you do not want
Them to see and jeer
Or even worse,
To steal all that's so dear

Hold back the tears, my sweet girl
For they betray all your inner feelings
Or worse
Being called weak
They may throw their sticks and stones
But even as you struggle not
To fall
Or
To cry in pain
You must remember
The angels will watch over you
But no one will blow on your wounds
And pains
No one will hug you
In the darkest of the night
So my sweet sweet girl
You must learn to
Hold on


xoxo to myself,
ling

Random thought in the time of the night

I love my job. I really do. i think it showed especially today. it was one of the longest days i had to handle in a while 7am to 8pm.. but at the end of the day, i actually still feel v alert and energetic.. abit running on adrenaline i know.. But i felt truly happy nonetheless.. i was enjoying each and every session with each individual student, sharing knowledge and bantering with them to help them relieve the exam stress too. And was even texting G, K and P how happy i am with my job in between journeys to sessions.

But unfortunately, when the body tires, i also do start to think. Do i have to work so relentlessly? maybe the couz feels come on, it isn't alot. i do get alot more rest than the average worker in sg. But i also do feel, like in this period.. is it all worth it? working and working, in trying to put more away. I try to chase away all these thoughts as I work, cos i really don't honestly find my work, work sometimes. I love what i do.. But sometimes, i do think, when is enough, enough? Even during my last session, the father was saying i should rest (maybe cos he doesn't realise PHs like Labour's Day are my peak=)).. and i happily still laughed it off and said, it's okay. cos it's exam period. and the kids need the sessions.

So ultimately, does it boil down to the feeling of wanting to be needed? Or does it mean being perfectionistic in my work? Or cos i have a standard to uphold for myself? Or just cos i am born plain responsible?

I no longer can tell, as I accomodate each session i can to the best of my abilities, and take on what i can ad hoc.. I only know the bank account needs to grow. And i need to get my house when I hit the age in 6 years' time..


I draw my energy from my own pep talk as i hurry from venue to venue, comfort myself with the sight of the moon when the heart experiences that momentary feeling of longing that i don't allow myself to feel very often, and gain energy from the banter with the kids.

And day comes, and i soldier on.

And how appropriate, the radio was playing "Fucking Perfect" at the moment i was typing this out... lol

Reflections : Always believe in my intuition.. Like always, always and always..

Yet another insightful article by Melanie Tonia Evans, which tied up some of the answers I have been looking for in my reflection this week. Also very thankful for the angels in my life who are always so patient in hearing me out, providing me with the listening ear or objective perspective I needed or just making or getting me sweet treats (that always works!! =))

http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-did-we-ignore-the-red-flags-of-the-narcissist/?utm_source=mailchimp&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=WhyDidWeIgnoreTheRedFlags

Blessed for the extra work opportunities this week as well. I love being busy cos there's just so much joy to be derived from hard work done =)

Red..

I think if you tell me on and on you love me, and i don't feel it, it's a very big problem.

On a sidenote, I've been kinda really into (like obsessed) with Taylor Swift's Red recently. I think this particular song of hers appeals to me at this point in time because of the amount of lit i have been doing lately. In a modern song's context, there's a fair bit of metaphors and similes in it. Plus i love the lingering sadness of the song that subtly hints at something without spelling it out loud. That's the beauty of literature to me.

Sharing both the song and lyrics here. (I was rather disappointed that she didn't do an official MV for this song.. I think it would have been rather beautiful to see how she interprets it visually. But i still love it enough to repeat it on end for days =))


"Red"

[Verse 1:]
Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street
Faster than the wind, passionate as sin ending so suddenly
Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn, so bright just before they lose it all

[Chorus:]
Losing him was blue like I'd never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red

[Verse 2:]
Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong

[Chorus:]
Losing him was blue like I'd never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Oh, red
Burning red

[Bridge:]
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes
Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible
When I still see it all in my head
Burning red
Loving him was red

[Chorus:]
Oh, losing him was blue like I'd never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
'Cause loving him was red
Yeah, yeah, red
We're burning red

[Post-Chorus:]
And that's why he's spinnin' 'round in my head
Comes back to me, burning red
Yeah, yeah

'Cause love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street

Education and new hair loves

Haha.. both are so unrelated I know. It's just gonna be a quick one before i have to nip to bed, as it's going to be a loooong and early day tomorrow.

I was just thinking how I could add value to my teaching that day, because in some ways I feel I have reached a plateau and I don't seem to be able to give more to my students when i want to. Thankful that one of the pros the world wide net has brought us is its plentiful abundance of resources. My search tonight found me a couple of sites that I think I can explore with my kiddos.. whiziq and englishisapieceofcake. Give me a holler if anyone has heard of them and if they are really helpful =) I found a couple of links on englishisapieceofcake that are exceptionally delightful. For the love of reading =)

I will explore abit more and see what/how I can relate the resources to the kiddos. I simply love this busy period, when I'm up to my ears in work and other commitments and it pushes me to go even further. Crosses fingers this will benefit the kiddos!

Ending off this entry with a picture of my new hair (much loves). According to Kr, it is the nicest hairstyle she has seen me in thus far (and i can always trust her to be honest in her opinions with me heh). I should be keeping this for a while as it is really much easier (and cheaper) to maintain than the curls. Plus i really don't possess the kind of luxurious thick hair to be able to keep hair that is too long. Been there done that so now I am satisfied with my new shoulder length bob =)


Hello new hair =)

The longest I have ever achieved. Your can see by how little hair I have actually that I really can't have hair that is too long, started to look really stringy at the ends.. But the curls have been a good experiment and I enjoyed the femininity and womanliness that it afforded me in my dressing styles.

When you imagine i actually once had hair like this before.. I think the above is a really big achievement haha (pic from 2006)

One more camwhore pic.. i lied. Hahaha i ended with more than a pic. On a sidenote, have to learn how to blowdry my hair to achieve this curled in Korean hair effect.

Rocking my new do in my fave romper (on instagram haha @shuling_17)

Summer colorful accessories to match my happy mood on getting the new do!

xoxo, ling

Nostalgia

I revisited tonight.. And found in all the *locked away* corners, compartmentalisations and folders (have always been an organized freak heh) mementoes of the years of growing up, the pain, losses, fears and confusion hidden in tHose words.. How expressive I was then, when we had nothing but diaries and blogs to update, when I could fully utilize words to my advantage, spilling the unbidden emotions just by rearranging the 26 letters of the alphabet in all kinds of permutations, bringing forth the words my lips could not utter.

Ahhhh... The power of the pen.

So they say.. Those wondrous years of growing up, innocence and naively are to be treasured, locked away in secret boxes or folders (like I did) and one fine day, to just stumble on all those pockets of preciousness gone by and reminisce how beautifully confused, dreamily lost you once were.

Most importantly, I am thankful that my heart full of love has still survived all these years. That's the one thing I do not want to lose above all else.

xoxo ling..

Nuffnang

Yay!! Was playing around with my template since I signed up a Nuffnang account. I have to be very honest and said that it was because of a recent reflection of how i felt I am not earning enough.. I am grabbing onto any opportunities possible. I hope in some way or another, my little space can help in that =) A couple friends have been so kind in showing encouragement for my writing as well.. so hopefully this is a platform. I am also thankful for friends like K and C who recommended me other forms of earning money as well =) Thankful for angels in my life *grateful*

Shall end off here. Hope next time I can share some of my mini travel adventures this year, which are waaaaay belated!

On my epiphany towards brands..

This post was "enforced" by K (lol gal, i will be as tactful as i can haha) and inspired by G..

I refer to my post last year..

http://sweetlingeringfantasies.blogspot.sg/2012/05/on-inspired-brands-and-relationships.html

I cannot imagine that post was just written less than a year ago, and here I am, about to slap myself for the change in me not even a year from then.. My double standards heh.

Not a year ago, I was contented with my inspired bags and accessories, and I simply cannot comprehend the concept of plunking down a 3/4-digit sum for a bag. I was pondering upon how my attitude towards inspireds reflected my attitude towards relationships: I had always settled for less. 7 months on, I stand at the turnstile of another era of my life, and as I embrace the new identity this turning point gives me, naturally so does my tastes.

At the doorstep to the 30s, I feel more woman (I don't know if this makes sense), I feel more feminine. I start to appreciate the quiet femininity and elegance of Audrey Hepburn (my forever fashion icon) more; i used to love her for her quirkiness, but now I embrace all the elegant beauty she epitomizes. I embrace my flowing curls, my dresses and the subtle enhancement (not transformation) of makeup and skincare. I embrace the femininity that is within me even more.

I remember this talk i had with KR and P separately. P told me how relaxing it is to be in Aus, how nobody cared when u carried a cloth bag or recyclable bag and walk the streets, but how brand-conscious one naturally becomes when back in sg. KR agrees with this point, but on the other hand, admits to being a brand conscious gal herself. I think for me, it was usually more of a case of, if someone gives me a branded item, i would of course love it to bits, but if i don't have it, oh well, i can always settle for less. And i don't deny, I have owned some really quality pieces that aren't branded. In fact, one of my fave clutches to this day is this black-and-white checked one made by an indie designer passed on to me by one of my cousins' ex-gfs.

I do admit, i am also influenced. I am surrounded by friends who is the "real-or-nothing" deal, but i think i have not been as affected till I walked into a Marc by Marc Jacobs store with G that Sat afternoon, and my dear friend (who is among one of the few remaining friends who usually did not give a care towards brands, but is now looking at certain brands) bought a MMJ laptop sleeve and influenced me into making my first random buy (not that random if you consider 20 mins contemplation over the item long), an iPad sleeve for Cordelia, my new iPad, in a branded store. I had never been that influenced before with my other friends. I always managed to look on with a dispassionate eye. Prior to the MMJ epiphany, I had been oogling at arm bangles at Kate Spade (this was influenced by F, who gifted me my first branded bangle, a multi-coloured Coach bangle which I love to bits) but i managed to walk away resolutely still. Not in MMJ. However i am enjoying my bright pink iPad sleeve with relish which even had a random Starbucks staff asking me about it. I don't know what overcame me but my epiphany towards brands has dawned upon me.

Probably a couple of incidents prior to this have also been the catalysts. I remember packing my bagdrobe as part of the annual CNY packing and packing out bags and then some which have or are falling apart in some areas (peeling of material etc). I remember feeling v disappointed as I had to throw some of them out, or even when i gave the better ones away, i felt neutral. It felt like cutting a piece of my forgotten past. There was no bag that made me want to hold on to abit longer. Somewhat like people and relationships, they come and go.

Piglet and my cousin made this v practical comment, i could have invested all my money in one or two branded bags, with the money i spent on the random bags. I would feel less inclined to buy many bags when i get a really good one. I felt this discarding of bags like how i am dealing with my relationships nowadays. I am cutting all the bad sheep and bits out. I don't feel like i want to tolerate any more rubbish than necessary in my life. I was able to discard pretty emotionlessly..

So with that, i enter my 29th year with this peace in my mind. I am going to make more sensible purchases (after all the insurance and savings-for-house planning of course, and wanderlust trips!!). I am going to put down that $4/$5 bracelet in that stall, I am going to close the window on a random online bag, and invest in quality, timeless pieces that suits my new identity. Just as i will in worthy people.

Clear out, rubbish. Welcome, branded loves. heh

Mine..

Mine-to-be.. winks

Heylo Christmas : New hair + outfits for me

Was feeling kinda emo tonight, whatsapped some of my babes and though i know a couple of them are trying their best, it does not totally alleviate the emo-ness of tonight. So i played a couple of my all-time-can-make-me-laugh videos, and decided to visit a couple of my fave fashion bloggers to gain some inspiration. Came across a couple of pleasing pics =) Curvygirlchic especially, could make me smile with her genial smile, and her fashion-forward holiday outfits.

Photo credits: Curvygirlchic, Gabifresh

Seeing them work the blazer and pants inspired me in my following two outfits below. The casual-chic androgynous look is so in for me now.

On a sidenote, I have also curled my hair again. Loved the spiral twist curls which are so Victorian if I styled them right. I especially like how the feminine romantic curls complement and balance the new chic androgynous look I have in my outfits. Of course, i still love my dresses very much. Just wanna try a new look sometimes =) It reminds me of Vivian (Julia Roberts) in Pretty Woman as well, the outfit she wore when she went shopping with Edward (Richard Gere).

Till the next time. Happy Holidays =)

I am no angel.. though I can strive to look like one physically =p

Am in a better mood.. K taught me something very useful.. about compartmentalizing my feelings.. which is a very effective mood-lifter.

I should also stop procrastinating and get my tuition blog going (as a couple of friends have already sugg to me).. but yeah.. I am still in a very lazing mood. With a depleting bank account.. horrors!! okok i will TRY to be more hardworking hehz.

Been loving this song by Rainie Yang recently. It has been a while since I hunted for new Chi songs.. and I chanced upon this in a 100% entertainment episode featuring her. Love her new look and hairstyle. Very clean cut and androgynous.. I can totally see Piglet in this look =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsLEGRuFe_w&feature=fvwrel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4prGDD-iF30

The second link has a very interesting tarot reading at the end of the video. The song is pretty meaningful and uplifting, and it helps that the singer is pleasing to the eye with a sweet voice to boot.

And to end off the post with some outfit posts to satisfy the vainpot in me =)

Curls are working out so well for me i am looking forward to my next curling session in Dec. Though I am also super super tempted to get the sleek shoulder-length bob! Arghhhh choices!! Anyway am loving my outfits thus far =) Kaylene is doing so so well in KD's hands and her pieces just keep on getting better =) So proud of her achievements! That should spur me to work hard too yes? haha..

Till the next time!!

I'll be damned..

I am not happy.

I have not been so angry in a long while.

Everytime i think back to what happened yesterday, no amount of cool-down techniques worked. You can say it is probably an accumulation.

It's like, she is given a gift for the gab, and she uses it for foul things, for damning others.

I should feel sorry for her, but i am just too angry this time. And i feel entitled to my anger.

And my anger spills out to the woman who also indirectly allows this to happen every time.

I am almost certain that if my grandparents, or even if my aunt is around, they would have given her a tight slap right there and then, in public, no less.

Because she shouted at/shamed her older sis in public first.

Sure it's a degrading society. The basic respect that an elder is entitled to no longer exists.

We have come to the age where it is okay to derail at/shout at/demean your elders in public.

I remember telling her off in my uni days, that she should learn to respect her elders. Her answer then? She retorted I need to earn her respect.

I remember silently agreeing that maybe the fault was mine. That I had not done anything to earn the respect.

7 years down the road. Nothing has changed. Except something has changed. My self-esteem.

Not alot of it yet, but i know my basic rights at least.

That for someone like me who holds the title of eldest sis in the family, even if you downright don't respect me, you got to show the basic respect in public. I mean physically.

That means as the eldest, even if i shout at you, u dun retort back. Unfair much? Try explaining that to the elders and challenge the traditions.

Like, no matter how much i may not respect my dad for all he had done, i would never let him lose face in public, or in front of his friends.

Just because that is the basic respect he is entitled to as a father, as the man of the family.

He can scold me in public, But I must not. Because that is hierarchy.

Anyway her lack of change all these years just shows one thing.

Not like what my couz said, she has a mental problem (or maybe she does).

She has reached the point where she has basically no self-respect for herself anymore.

Wanting to win the arguments, wanting to prove she is better than others by demeaning others, only has criticisms for others, shouting in public. All culminating to no self-reflection and no self-respect.

I just have to live with the fact that i am, not by choice, bonded by blood to her this lifetime.

I always did have bad vibes about her since i was young, as I recalled always being biased to her to my parents.

I can be evil if i want to.

Problem is, i am too tired. And i think i would rather work more on myself, than always coming back to a recurring issue.

Can't wait to get my own place.

Random i-blame-it-on-the-raging-hormones thoughts

There are times like this I will get quite afraid.. that I will become like what my couz said, that I am desperate to get hitched.. and I will keep over-thinking and over-analyzing it.. am i am i AM I?

I havta rem relationship stuff is not sth i can comfortably talk to the couz with. Cos she's too cool-headed and too logical when it comes to this area.

Esp when i rem back to that incident about tt bugger provoking me with it and though i told him off in the name of respect, I fear i am actually also scolding him cos i have this deep-set fear that i didnt know exist.. okay i am definitely over-thinking.

First up when i think of despo women in their 30s.. and i thk of xx and xxx. I DONT WANT.

I will always rem how G told me that i musnt be afraid of being by myself.. or like MTE said, Never look at the other to take your pain of fear and loss away, cos that's when all the problems start. But then G will have someone lined up when her current fails. Oh well, if i havta define it for myself, it means I must be really comfy doing all these things by myself. Happy. Not self-conscious.

I do have times when i enjoy that coffee in that cafe, or a meal in the shop, and I feel fine i think. Being by myself has its perks. I can people-watch. I can listen to my music. I can read my book. I can play on my phone. I can pay attention to my own thoughts. But i also have times when I shop or walk by myself and I panick, thinking people are judging me.

I blame it on the period hormones (oh so convenient heh) and I know this period will pass. I will have peace, inner peace and I will NOT become afraid of myself. Like, myself only =)

Melanie Tonia Evans is my online counsellor

Recently Melanie Tonia Evans has written a number of articles in succession that I feel I can really reasonate with in my journey of personal learning. I had depended on her (and a few others) for my healing a few months back, and she continues to write such inspiring articles. I will share one I am reading today:


"Nothing Is Real With Someone Who Is False


If you have been in a narcissistic relationship you know what it feels like to be with someone who is false. At first they sweep you off your feet, they are charming, caring, supportive, loving and everything you could have desired in a partner.

Before long some actions “don’t add up” and something feels “off” about this person, but you may ignore these warning signs or justify the behaviour, whilst trying to hang on to what you thought was your dream life and dream partner.

If we are not honest and real with ourself, before long the relationship takes a sinister turn, and it is too late.

We become dependent on the narcissist for their approval, the promise of what he or she brings to the relationship , and we become incredibly hooked.

The narcissistic experience is an example of what can happen if we are not true and honest with ourself. And if we continue these patterns we will continue to draw unfulfilling love experiences and false individuals into our life.

In this article I am going to share with you my past – my relationship with my ex narcissist and show you how being untrue to myself was causing me to continue living a painful life.

I am also going to teach you how to start being honest with yourself, and how this can allow you to create a fulfilling life experience of abundance, freedom and truth.

On Tuesday’s Empowered Love Radio I also did a show on this topic. You can listen to it here.

In order to write this article I delved deep into my past. I went back into feeling my life with the narcissist – a life for me which is now another universe away.

And I dug deep….

I know that the significant difference between my life now and my life then – is that my life then was not real – no matter how much I wanted to believe it was – no matter how much I tried to make it so.

The truth was it wasn’t – and was never going to be.

At surface level it seemed to be. Here was this knight in shining armour who seemed to love me more than anyone else ever had. And what seemed wonderful at the time was – I believed he was exactly the man I wanted to love.

What seemed to come with him was kindness, compassion, similar interests, wealth, purpose, the ability to build and create dreams and the holidays, lifestyle and creations that go with that….as well as of course incredible love.

This relationship deal felt so perfect, so right and so incredibly solid that I didn’t stop to check if it was real or not – I just went with it.

He seemed so sincere. He seemed so strong, so together and so capable, and the way he acted towards me made me feel that I was the only women that existed in the world for him…so I didn’t question…

And I breathed a deep sigh of relief.

I thought … finally here is the man who is going to take my pain and fear of being alone away.



Knowing but Still Ignoring

Even from the beginning of the relationship, I could feel a nagging doubt in the pit of my stomach saying ‘Too good to be true’ and a certain look or a statement he would make would send ice through my veins.

Even from the first week in – I had the feeling ‘Something is really wrong here’, and I ignored this gnawing doubt, and I still ignored it even when it became a deafening crescendo.

And of course as you know and I’m sure you can relate to…. by the time I knew the truth I was so attached and hooked to my version of this is meant to be, I still found ways to justify hanging on to the relationship, regardless of how much I tolerated abuse that I thought I never would.

Back then I suspected he wasn’t the real deal, yet I had no idea that the reason I was with a person who was not real – was to do with me and the levels of how real I was or wasn’t with myself.



The Hollow ‘Victories’

Every victory, such as the purchase of our new property, the renovations, the landscaping and the acquisition of our boat was short lived.

You see, I was like the general population at this stage of my life, I thought that happiness was acquired through something outside of me.

I thought that having ‘the love of my life’ and creating an incredible life together was it… I thought that this was my nirvana.

So why was it that these ‘wins’ in my life were fraught with so much trauma?

How could a real life hold so much pain – which would inevitably follow each time I thought I had reached blissful happiness?

Each and every time I believed he and I had a victory, I could convince myself that things would change and we could share a life where we could ‘be happy’, yet another curve ball would come out of nowhere and hit me straight in the face.

Another assault on my character, my commitment, my fidelity, my morality, or (fill the gap) would occur.

As well as a multitude of court cases, disasters, and ‘what is going to happen next’ in regards to his business ethics, stealing, lying, manipulating – (you know how it goes).

This version of ‘dream partner’ and ‘dream life’ carried a horrible price that started shattering the dream, and turned it into a mirage.

A thin smoke-screen of ‘what I thought this was meant to be’ disguised the truth … that none of this life I was living was real.

It wasn’t real, because real love promotes, nourishes and supports healthy emotions.

I now know why my emotions were screaming at me…



You are the Only Real Thing in Your Life

We have all been programmed to believe that ‘things’ and ‘other people’ create real happiness.

But what happens when a person we want to love, and have decided should love us is so toxic that they cause our emotions to spiral out of control?

Bringing up our deepest fears and insecurities and using them as torturous weapons against us?

Regardless of what this person holds up as ‘the carrot’ that could make our life ‘amazing’ – None of what they have on offer is real.

The only person that is real in your life is YOU.

Please don’t be confused… I don’t mean you are the only person you can ever trust.

Or that it’s you versus life and you better only ever rely on you and stay guarded from everything and everyone else…

What I mean is: You are the co-creator of everything and everyone you experience in your life.

Everything and everyone you experience is reflecting parts of yourself.

What this means is: You have no ability to have a real relationship with a real person until you get real with yourself.

In the years that I have been facilitating thousands of narcissistic abuse recoveries, I have never met anyone who has been abused by a narcissist, who DID NOT experience ‘off feelings’ about the narcissist initially, that they were not prepared to confront.

Myself included… At this stage we were not prepared to honour our self.

I’ll come back to the statement: The only person that is real in your life is you.

Because… if you don’t get real, the ‘things’ and ‘people’ that you thought will bring real love and happiness, will simply bring you pain, heartbreak and destruction again and again instead.

When you do get real, and live your life accordingly, then your life will reflect real love results.

It is Energetic Law and can only and will only turn out that way.



How to get Real with Yourself

There is only one way to get real – and this is to be honest with you.

Stop blaming, making excuses and using justifications – such as ‘he or she should have been, done or not been or not done …..’.

There are no should’s or should not’s in life – life just is.

And a painful life is always showing us something – something that we have not wanted to acknowledge about our own truth within our self.

If you know that the person who is hurting you is a narcissist – then it is time to get truthful with yourself.

I promise you this was the massive turning point, from the brink of my inevitable death, which was exactly what put me on the path of recovery and enabled me to start creating a real life.

And there was no way I was going to live, or that was going to occur until I got real with myself.

My questions to get real with myself were:

Why did I attract a person who was a False Self into my life?

Why did I ignore the warning signs and continue even though I knew something was wrong?

Why did I try with everything I had to maintain this relationship even though I was abused horribly by a person who displayed anything but real love?

Why did I believe that the odd shows of care, love and hope were enough to replace the soul shattering abuse that regularly took place?

When I stopped beating myself up and blaming myself for how ‘stupid’ I had been, and how I had made choices that had destroyed everything I thought my previous life was, and instead realised that now I had an opportunity to heal my pattern of relationship pain and abuse, I knew the answers to these questions followed by a plan of action to heal was incredibly necessary.

I knew I had to establish a True Self – a Real Me – to avoid going down the same track ever again.

Life had brought me this experience not as a random act, and not as a ‘mistake’ of being in the wrong place at the wrong time – life had brought me the ultimate message and lesson of a narcissist because I had missed the lessons in my other unfulfilling relationships up until this point.

Love relationships are our greatest healing agent to show us.

It is such a shame when we miss that.

Life had brought me this message, because up until this point I had not learnt how to be real with myself, and if I didn’t start fixing within me what I needed to – then the same type of relationship would naturally come into my life again.



The Answers and the Direction

There is no way to force the narcissist to get real.

There is in fact no way to force anyone to be a certain way to make you feel safe, loved and happy.

You only have the ability to change yourself in order to feel safe, loved and happy. And only then will the people that are a match and have the resources to supply you ‘more of yourself’ will gravitate into your experience. Then you will naturally add to and inspire this love with healthy people, and the ones that aren’t – as soon as they feel ‘off’ and / or display behaviour that clearly is off – you will have no desire to latch on them and try and force them to change..

When I answered my questions to myself honestly – this is what I came up with.

I had wanted the narcissist to provide me with the love, happiness and fulfilment that I had as not yet provided for myself.

The truth was:

I did not authentically love and accept myself.

I did not feel whole on my own.

I believed someone else had to save me from my emptiness and unhappiness (despite being very independent and successful in everything else other than relationships).

I believed that I had to hang on because there may never be another experience of ‘love’, and certainly not the ‘love’ I thought he promised.

I believed if I rocked the boat I would be abandoned and lose ‘love’.

I believed that he was the one with the problems and I was simply the victim.

I believed by fixing him I could feel okay and well, and…

…I had no idea that I could embrace my own power to create what I wanted in life regardless of what he was or wasn’t doing.

Of course this was a simplified list… I had a lot more to uncover and heal.

The truth was I wasn’t honest and true to myself.

And because I wasn’t, I attracted a False Self, a person that reflected how I was not real with me.

Now I knew the direction of what I needed to be to stop the pattern of destruction, of living a false life with people that were not deliverers of love, happiness, safety and fulfilment.

I had to become these things to myself.



How to Become Real

In order to become real to yourself you need to search inside and find out the beliefs, the fears and the insecurities you have that have kept you separated from loving and accepting yourself and knowing that you are the creator of your own life.

You need to examine, embrace and understand why you have held other people responsible for your happiness, why you have been limited in your ability to let go and create something better, and why you have feared and believed that you are not enough to go empty, and then learn how to be full enough within yourself to attract and choose from life who and what is healthy.

You need to work on and heal your fears, insecurities and limiting beliefs.

When you do, you can then maintain your own emotions and trust your decisions, and be your truth and your fullness. This will allow you to accept, maintain and promote what is a match for your own truth.

How do you do this?

You do this by examining, embracing and releasing all of the pain and fears and insecurities that have been running your life in the direction you don’t want to go.

Once letting go of these old patterns and tendencies – which have all generated from your emotional fearful self – you need to reframe these into healthier beliefs, self-convictions, truths and strengths that do serve you.

When you do this you will find your true way of being.

A way of living that is not generated from fear and pain.

Then you get to make great choices that come from your own solid sense of self. You get to feel, create and experience a genuine life of creation, honesty, love, joy and expansion.



I hope you enjoyed this article and I hope it helped you realise how important it is to be real to yourself."

Education-related

Just a couple of thoughts i think are noteworthy enough for me to pen here before i turn in for the night. Ahh.. it's an early workday tomorrow.

1) Couz brought up an interesting thought tonight that kinda reasonates with what i thought some time back. She said if she had my level of Language, namely English, she would have been using it elsewhere in this world.. i.e. teaching overseas.

This had crossed my mind before. Teaching overseas. Perhaps it's fear, perhaps it's comfort zone, but i have not found the guts within me to step out yet. And of course, the lower pay in comparison(from what i saw in some websites in the past when i contemplated the idea).

But this possibility may materialize in the future.. Singapore's syllabus may one day reach a point where I might not find viable to teach here anymore. Much as I love the challenge in tackling a new syllabus and learning it, there is just no platform for home-based tutors to master new changes, i.e. workshops etc. Thus far, i have to rely on my teaching friends and online resources. My strengths are in Grammar and Syntax mainly.. and i wanna be able to utilise it to the fullest. They are probably best used in helping students who really cannot even handle English at its basic, i.e. countries where English isn't the first language.

So what couz said did jolt me. I will see.

2) A conversation with a student today brought up this thought i had in mind for some time. It was one of those whatever-i-am-learning-now-i-will-not-even-use-them-in-the-future kind of conversations. It is interesting to note that this is a question that never really crossed many of our minds (i mean the 70s-80s kids). Don't do well, you will surely not do well in the future. Perhaps it is the fear of being left behind and getting the back-end of jobs that pushed us to give our best in whatever we do, or be THE best. It was this fear that propelled me to do well because I did not want to be sweeping streets or cleaning toilets (ya the old grandma story). AT EVERY STAGE OF MY ACADEMIC LIFE. Because by accessing the next stage, you need to pass the current one, isn't it? The key here is not even about the stellar results.

The key is the drive and motivation one should innately possess, no matter at what stage in our lives. It is rather disturbing to realise that many young ones nowadays do not possess this. They feel it is just frustrating to master subjects and skills that are "forced" on them, they do not have the least bit of interest in it. On top of that, there are too many success stories floating in the all-too-accessible World Wide Net of billionaires who made it big and they were school dropouts. I distinctly remember the purpose of such stories is to inspire the slower learners, that there is always a second route in life, and NOT to be used as an extremely convenient excuse that oh well, these people were dropouts, so come on, I am able to make it without learning all these crap now too.

I mean, come on. Realistically speaking, if you feel self-entitled now to own that piece of success in future, well, all i can say is, you will always feel self-entitled. Self-entitled that the opportunities are going to open for you. Self-entitled that whatever your parents left you will never run out. Self-entitled that there is always going to be someone to take care of you and clean up your mess.

Again we will see.

And i end off with these two articles i found pretty inspiring for my second point in this blog entry.

1) http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ironshrink/201208/why-i-dont-care-about-my-daughters-self-esteem

2) http://sg.news.yahoo.com/blogs/singaporescene/why-smartphones-making-us-dumb-022810060.html

7 days a week.. non-stop working.. for since.. a month? or was it 2 months ago? I have kinda lost track. But it's become so numbly routine i am getting used and attracted to it. Just work.. knowing that whatever I put in will reap me the rewards in return. A very fair give-and-take kind of relationship. I like.

I am tired.. physically. But i don't want it to end. Cos i don't want to lapse into the time when my mind is too free for me. Even now, in snatches of time in my busyness, my mind doesn't seem to be busy enough. It is still going into overdrive over useless matters. I literally have to force it to think of my work in a happy and postive manner to keep it optimistically busy.

And i am really loving my work more and more. I like the challenge of learning a new syllabus, working and talking to the kiddos. So much so i can smile when i go to work each day.

Of course the deep-set loneliness kept firmly in the recesses of my mind pokes its head up and shows its face once in a while. Sometimes once too many times, in my opinion, but my happy blessings around me and my reading still keep me sane enough. I don't allow the negativity (yeah i consider this a negativity) to overwhelm me for too long.

Reading really heals my soul. Everytime i am travelling between destinations, out comes the smartphone and I would keep up-to-date with my reading. I love how reading soothes my soul like no other. If there is anything i look forward to after this busy period, it is the pile of books i have readied for my year-end reading.

ahhh a random update. But feels so good pouring all this out in my little space.

Out and loved my hair and how it goes with the feminine lace dress.

One of my fave things to do whilst waiting..

All set and prepared for "winter"-reading =D

ADR x H&M accessories.. fash-forward i want! Not to mention, going to be affordable too ;)

Some custardy luv from Macau =)