I'll be damned..

I am not happy.

I have not been so angry in a long while.

Everytime i think back to what happened yesterday, no amount of cool-down techniques worked. You can say it is probably an accumulation.

It's like, she is given a gift for the gab, and she uses it for foul things, for damning others.

I should feel sorry for her, but i am just too angry this time. And i feel entitled to my anger.

And my anger spills out to the woman who also indirectly allows this to happen every time.

I am almost certain that if my grandparents, or even if my aunt is around, they would have given her a tight slap right there and then, in public, no less.

Because she shouted at/shamed her older sis in public first.

Sure it's a degrading society. The basic respect that an elder is entitled to no longer exists.

We have come to the age where it is okay to derail at/shout at/demean your elders in public.

I remember telling her off in my uni days, that she should learn to respect her elders. Her answer then? She retorted I need to earn her respect.

I remember silently agreeing that maybe the fault was mine. That I had not done anything to earn the respect.

7 years down the road. Nothing has changed. Except something has changed. My self-esteem.

Not alot of it yet, but i know my basic rights at least.

That for someone like me who holds the title of eldest sis in the family, even if you downright don't respect me, you got to show the basic respect in public. I mean physically.

That means as the eldest, even if i shout at you, u dun retort back. Unfair much? Try explaining that to the elders and challenge the traditions.

Like, no matter how much i may not respect my dad for all he had done, i would never let him lose face in public, or in front of his friends.

Just because that is the basic respect he is entitled to as a father, as the man of the family.

He can scold me in public, But I must not. Because that is hierarchy.

Anyway her lack of change all these years just shows one thing.

Not like what my couz said, she has a mental problem (or maybe she does).

She has reached the point where she has basically no self-respect for herself anymore.

Wanting to win the arguments, wanting to prove she is better than others by demeaning others, only has criticisms for others, shouting in public. All culminating to no self-reflection and no self-respect.

I just have to live with the fact that i am, not by choice, bonded by blood to her this lifetime.

I always did have bad vibes about her since i was young, as I recalled always being biased to her to my parents.

I can be evil if i want to.

Problem is, i am too tired. And i think i would rather work more on myself, than always coming back to a recurring issue.

Can't wait to get my own place.