Recently Melanie Tonia Evans has written a number of articles in succession that I feel I can really reasonate with in my journey of personal learning. I had depended on her (and a few others) for my healing a few months back, and she continues to write such inspiring articles. I will share one I am reading today:
"Nothing Is Real With Someone Who Is False
If you have been in a narcissistic relationship you know what it feels like to be with someone who is false. At first they sweep you off your feet, they are charming, caring, supportive, loving and everything you could have desired in a partner.
Before long some actions “don’t add up” and something feels “off” about this person, but you may ignore these warning signs or justify the behaviour, whilst trying to hang on to what you thought was your dream life and dream partner.
If we are not honest and real with ourself, before long the relationship takes a sinister turn, and it is too late.
We become dependent on the narcissist for their approval, the promise of what he or she brings to the relationship , and we become incredibly hooked.
The narcissistic experience is an example of what can happen if we are not true and honest with ourself. And if we continue these patterns we will continue to draw unfulfilling love experiences and false individuals into our life.
In this article I am going to share with you my past – my relationship with my ex narcissist and show you how being untrue to myself was causing me to continue living a painful life.
I am also going to teach you how to start being honest with yourself, and how this can allow you to create a fulfilling life experience of abundance, freedom and truth.
On Tuesday’s Empowered Love Radio I also did a show on this topic. You can listen to it here.
In order to write this article I delved deep into my past. I went back into feeling my life with the narcissist – a life for me which is now another universe away.
And I dug deep….
I know that the significant difference between my life now and my life then – is that my life then was not real – no matter how much I wanted to believe it was – no matter how much I tried to make it so.
The truth was it wasn’t – and was never going to be.
At surface level it seemed to be. Here was this knight in shining armour who seemed to love me more than anyone else ever had. And what seemed wonderful at the time was – I believed he was exactly the man I wanted to love.
What seemed to come with him was kindness, compassion, similar interests, wealth, purpose, the ability to build and create dreams and the holidays, lifestyle and creations that go with that….as well as of course incredible love.
This relationship deal felt so perfect, so right and so incredibly solid that I didn’t stop to check if it was real or not – I just went with it.
He seemed so sincere. He seemed so strong, so together and so capable, and the way he acted towards me made me feel that I was the only women that existed in the world for him…so I didn’t question…
And I breathed a deep sigh of relief.
I thought … finally here is the man who is going to take my pain and fear of being alone away.
Knowing but Still Ignoring
Even from the beginning of the relationship, I could feel a nagging doubt in the pit of my stomach saying ‘Too good to be true’ and a certain look or a statement he would make would send ice through my veins.
Even from the first week in – I had the feeling ‘Something is really wrong here’, and I ignored this gnawing doubt, and I still ignored it even when it became a deafening crescendo.
And of course as you know and I’m sure you can relate to…. by the time I knew the truth I was so attached and hooked to my version of this is meant to be, I still found ways to justify hanging on to the relationship, regardless of how much I tolerated abuse that I thought I never would.
Back then I suspected he wasn’t the real deal, yet I had no idea that the reason I was with a person who was not real – was to do with me and the levels of how real I was or wasn’t with myself.
The Hollow ‘Victories’
Every victory, such as the purchase of our new property, the renovations, the landscaping and the acquisition of our boat was short lived.
You see, I was like the general population at this stage of my life, I thought that happiness was acquired through something outside of me.
I thought that having ‘the love of my life’ and creating an incredible life together was it… I thought that this was my nirvana.
So why was it that these ‘wins’ in my life were fraught with so much trauma?
How could a real life hold so much pain – which would inevitably follow each time I thought I had reached blissful happiness?
Each and every time I believed he and I had a victory, I could convince myself that things would change and we could share a life where we could ‘be happy’, yet another curve ball would come out of nowhere and hit me straight in the face.
Another assault on my character, my commitment, my fidelity, my morality, or (fill the gap) would occur.
As well as a multitude of court cases, disasters, and ‘what is going to happen next’ in regards to his business ethics, stealing, lying, manipulating – (you know how it goes).
This version of ‘dream partner’ and ‘dream life’ carried a horrible price that started shattering the dream, and turned it into a mirage.
A thin smoke-screen of ‘what I thought this was meant to be’ disguised the truth … that none of this life I was living was real.
It wasn’t real, because real love promotes, nourishes and supports healthy emotions.
I now know why my emotions were screaming at me…
You are the Only Real Thing in Your Life
We have all been programmed to believe that ‘things’ and ‘other people’ create real happiness.
But what happens when a person we want to love, and have decided should love us is so toxic that they cause our emotions to spiral out of control?
Bringing up our deepest fears and insecurities and using them as torturous weapons against us?
Regardless of what this person holds up as ‘the carrot’ that could make our life ‘amazing’ – None of what they have on offer is real.
The only person that is real in your life is YOU.
Please don’t be confused… I don’t mean you are the only person you can ever trust.
Or that it’s you versus life and you better only ever rely on you and stay guarded from everything and everyone else…
What I mean is: You are the co-creator of everything and everyone you experience in your life.
Everything and everyone you experience is reflecting parts of yourself.
What this means is: You have no ability to have a real relationship with a real person until you get real with yourself.
In the years that I have been facilitating thousands of narcissistic abuse recoveries, I have never met anyone who has been abused by a narcissist, who DID NOT experience ‘off feelings’ about the narcissist initially, that they were not prepared to confront.
Myself included… At this stage we were not prepared to honour our self.
I’ll come back to the statement: The only person that is real in your life is you.
Because… if you don’t get real, the ‘things’ and ‘people’ that you thought will bring real love and happiness, will simply bring you pain, heartbreak and destruction again and again instead.
When you do get real, and live your life accordingly, then your life will reflect real love results.
It is Energetic Law and can only and will only turn out that way.
How to get Real with Yourself
There is only one way to get real – and this is to be honest with you.
Stop blaming, making excuses and using justifications – such as ‘he or she should have been, done or not been or not done …..’.
There are no should’s or should not’s in life – life just is.
And a painful life is always showing us something – something that we have not wanted to acknowledge about our own truth within our self.
If you know that the person who is hurting you is a narcissist – then it is time to get truthful with yourself.
I promise you this was the massive turning point, from the brink of my inevitable death, which was exactly what put me on the path of recovery and enabled me to start creating a real life.
And there was no way I was going to live, or that was going to occur until I got real with myself.
My questions to get real with myself were:
Why did I attract a person who was a False Self into my life?
Why did I ignore the warning signs and continue even though I knew something was wrong?
Why did I try with everything I had to maintain this relationship even though I was abused horribly by a person who displayed anything but real love?
Why did I believe that the odd shows of care, love and hope were enough to replace the soul shattering abuse that regularly took place?
When I stopped beating myself up and blaming myself for how ‘stupid’ I had been, and how I had made choices that had destroyed everything I thought my previous life was, and instead realised that now I had an opportunity to heal my pattern of relationship pain and abuse, I knew the answers to these questions followed by a plan of action to heal was incredibly necessary.
I knew I had to establish a True Self – a Real Me – to avoid going down the same track ever again.
Life had brought me this experience not as a random act, and not as a ‘mistake’ of being in the wrong place at the wrong time – life had brought me the ultimate message and lesson of a narcissist because I had missed the lessons in my other unfulfilling relationships up until this point.
Love relationships are our greatest healing agent to show us.
It is such a shame when we miss that.
Life had brought me this message, because up until this point I had not learnt how to be real with myself, and if I didn’t start fixing within me what I needed to – then the same type of relationship would naturally come into my life again.
The Answers and the Direction
There is no way to force the narcissist to get real.
There is in fact no way to force anyone to be a certain way to make you feel safe, loved and happy.
You only have the ability to change yourself in order to feel safe, loved and happy. And only then will the people that are a match and have the resources to supply you ‘more of yourself’ will gravitate into your experience. Then you will naturally add to and inspire this love with healthy people, and the ones that aren’t – as soon as they feel ‘off’ and / or display behaviour that clearly is off – you will have no desire to latch on them and try and force them to change..
When I answered my questions to myself honestly – this is what I came up with.
I had wanted the narcissist to provide me with the love, happiness and fulfilment that I had as not yet provided for myself.
The truth was:
I did not authentically love and accept myself.
I did not feel whole on my own.
I believed someone else had to save me from my emptiness and unhappiness (despite being very independent and successful in everything else other than relationships).
I believed that I had to hang on because there may never be another experience of ‘love’, and certainly not the ‘love’ I thought he promised.
I believed if I rocked the boat I would be abandoned and lose ‘love’.
I believed that he was the one with the problems and I was simply the victim.
I believed by fixing him I could feel okay and well, and…
…I had no idea that I could embrace my own power to create what I wanted in life regardless of what he was or wasn’t doing.
Of course this was a simplified list… I had a lot more to uncover and heal.
The truth was I wasn’t honest and true to myself.
And because I wasn’t, I attracted a False Self, a person that reflected how I was not real with me.
Now I knew the direction of what I needed to be to stop the pattern of destruction, of living a false life with people that were not deliverers of love, happiness, safety and fulfilment.
I had to become these things to myself.
How to Become Real
In order to become real to yourself you need to search inside and find out the beliefs, the fears and the insecurities you have that have kept you separated from loving and accepting yourself and knowing that you are the creator of your own life.
You need to examine, embrace and understand why you have held other people responsible for your happiness, why you have been limited in your ability to let go and create something better, and why you have feared and believed that you are not enough to go empty, and then learn how to be full enough within yourself to attract and choose from life who and what is healthy.
You need to work on and heal your fears, insecurities and limiting beliefs.
When you do, you can then maintain your own emotions and trust your decisions, and be your truth and your fullness. This will allow you to accept, maintain and promote what is a match for your own truth.
How do you do this?
You do this by examining, embracing and releasing all of the pain and fears and insecurities that have been running your life in the direction you don’t want to go.
Once letting go of these old patterns and tendencies – which have all generated from your emotional fearful self – you need to reframe these into healthier beliefs, self-convictions, truths and strengths that do serve you.
When you do this you will find your true way of being.
A way of living that is not generated from fear and pain.
Then you get to make great choices that come from your own solid sense of self. You get to feel, create and experience a genuine life of creation, honesty, love, joy and expansion.
I hope you enjoyed this article and I hope it helped you realise how important it is to be real to yourself."
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