haiz.

"Gatherings" like this make me think too much, especially about people. So-called relatives we have grown distant from, but are forced to come together obligatorily.

Made me think of the happier times, the times when things were so much easier, where laughter was aplenty and negativity, bitterness, suspicion and complaints were lesser.

The family photo we took that fateful day in 1997 now has 3 members lesser.

It is really the living who has it harder. I hope my beloved aunt and her brothers are having a nice gathering in the other dimension.

There are times I wonder why the men in my family are so childish, so superficial, so immature. I mean those who are in their 40s, 50s. I mean seriously, rolls eyes.

Or the men I encountered this generation are just too spoilt or fail to understand the meaning of graciousness or chivalry simply becos they are used to being spoonfed.

I might kill for...

Makeup Forever 25th anniversary Aqua Eyes Collector Set


Ahh... I'll put this on my Christmas wishing list this year and dream on about owning it. It's not available here and even if it is, it's gonna cost an arm and leg.

I fell head over heels in love with my first Aqua Eyes 7L Turquiose and splurged on 2 more: 11L Purple and 17L Pistachio. No disappointment there. Their eyeliner's gotta be one of the best out there. Lucky for me, i dint have to spend too much money experimenting in the first place thanks to good teachers at the beginning who had already done the experimenting and launched me in the right brand.


No it ain't color pencils which makes the packaging even more unique. Like the pretty colour pencils in a metallic box I used to own in kindergarten.

Imagine the experimenting I can do with this box and the different looks and alluring eyes I can come up with if I own this..

Well a girl can dream =)

Self-awareness doesn't really lessen the pain.

dun make me feel sadness and anger and confusion and longing and bitterness at the same time.

i hate it.

Okay. It's just me.

Pensive..

Should I Stay
Dreamz FM

Had a drive
Driven by your love
But when you messed around
I lost the drive I found

Thought you needed
Needed someone true
But you changed your mind
Or had I failed you?

Wish you’d been
Careful with my heart
But you tore it apart
And broke an angel’s heart

The kiss was true
Has to end somehow
But I am livin’ proof of what love is about

It’s hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It’s sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I don’t know (I don’t know)
I gotta know
Should I stay or should I go?

You played me on
Played me like a clown
But I feel for you
Even though I’m down

My heart is heavy
Heavy like a rock
But I am so amused
You’re still in my thoughts

It’s hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It’s sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I don’t know (I don’t know)
I gotta know
Should I stay or should I go?

Oooohh…should I stay?
Should I go?

It’s hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It’s sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I don’t know (I don’t know)
I wanna know
Should I stay or should I…?

This time its done
It’ll never feel the same
But we had some good times
Guess it’s sad just the same

I guess the truth
Doesn’t matter somehow
But you were livin’ proof of what love is about…

So in luv with Katy Perry's...

You think I'm pretty
Without any makeup on
You think I'm funny
When I tell the punch line wrong
I know you get me
So I let my walls come down
Down

Before you met me I was alright but things
Were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February, you'll be my valentine
Valentine

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I, we'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like I'm living a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back.

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now, baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back.

We drove to Cali
And got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and
Built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you
My missing puzzle piece
I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I, we'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like I'm living a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back.

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now, baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back

I'mma get your heart racing
In my skin tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me
In my skin tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight (tonight)

You make me
Feel like I'm living a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back.

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now, baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back.

I'mma get your heart racing
In my skin tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me
In my skin tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight (tonight)

*********

Luving this song right now.... the kind of teenage dream tt puts me into a jumpin', crazy dancing, heart-skippin' mode and dream about the dream i been waiting all my life =D

Can't believe that at 3.20am, i'm blogging about "quarter-life crisis".. which leads me to "restless life syndrome". Should i slap myself for this inanity?

REALLY.AM.FUCKIG.RESTLESS.AND.DIRECTIONLESS.THOUGH.

Tuitions.hangout.tuitions.hangout.striving to build up the finances again.

i'm missing the something elusive in my life.

The past maketh me...

I was skyping with pris and showing her some old pics of my wild crazy hairstyles back then, and the words of yesteryears washed over me... the pain, hurts, happyness, joy that flowed from me then.

We are all products of our past in some ways aren't we? I am glad I am who I am now.

Dinner with flo tonight had us contemplating about the restless, bored state we are in... a stage that'll come with mid-20s, where we crave for something new, something hyped, to get us rolling again.

The experiences of yesteryears washed over me like wine, bitter and sweet at the same time. And i thank every traveller who has walked or crossed my path, whether you are still on it or not, becos YOU maketh the ME now.

Yall are welcome to visit the ol' me if you wanna. Hey, i think i was more creative and more linguistic back then, esp the 2005 and 2006 entries LOL.

http://that-piece-of-sky.blogspot.com

One particular I would like to share is the one that is in sync with my musing since re-watching The Leap Years on Okto last night and reliving the beautiful love story between Li-Ann and Jeremy (I'm sooo getting the DVD!!), and one of the things that remain unchanged about me, me as a romantic idealist. Enjoy.


Dated 16 Apr 2007
Was revising my Human Development module, reading about the different life-stages of human life, today in the National Library with sha as usual.. and then during lunch, we touched upon the topic of childhood. was initially talking about the kinds of games we used to play... Sha used to play with alot of boy's toys, like action figures, whilst i was a very girlie girl, liking my masak-masak, nursing my dolls and playing jia jia jiu, cooking pretend-food. And then we talked about the kinds of childhood playmates we had, and she shared that it could be her playing with boys that attribute to her like for rougher games and boy's toys when she was younger, but it was different for me.

Few friends, except those close ones, know that when i was very young, i hated school. I skipped the whole of nursery school year cos i cried and kicked up a fuss whenever i was brought to school, to the extent that my poor mum had to forfeit half-a-year nursery fees cos i refused to go. Kindergarten 1 was mandatory.. and yet i kicked up a fuss when i was made to attend school again. I remembered my aunt and cousin physically dragging me to the kindergarten, and i cun stop crying and struggling, and the kindergarten teachers receiving me at the door by pulling me in.

It stopped (from my cousin's account) when i met this little boy, who remained my playmate for the next 1 year or so. He was the son of the fruit-stall-cum-grocery shop owners next to my male cousin's shoe shop in Jurong East then. I used to hang out at the area alot, and i got to know him as my childhood playmate cos my cousin and the shop owners were on very good terms. He was the same age as me. He used to come over to my aunt's place alot to play too.. and i would go over to his place (which was above his parents' shop) to play. He saw that i hated school, and cried whenever i was made to go, and one day, he held out his hand, and said "Come, let me bring you to school".

For some unknown reason (according to my cousin again), ever since then, i would obediently go to school. But only if he was there to hold my hand and bring me. So for the whole of Kindergarten 1, my cousin had to transfer me to his kindergarten, tho there was one nearer my aunt's place then. I would not go to school without him. During assembly, we would sit tger. During playtime, even when the teacher split us into groups of girls and boys, playing with separate toys (the boys playing blocks and trains, the girls with cookery sets), and even with the girls surrounding me trying to make friends (probably encouraged by the teacher due to my "infamous" crying bouts initially) and play tger, and even as i gradually warm to them, my eyes would always be fixed on him, to make sure he's still there, and be comforted by his presence. And after a while, he would sometimes come over to play with me, to calm my unease. After school, we would go home separately, change, eat lunch, and come out to play tger again. When we are at the playground, he would patiently play sandcastles with me, or the swings and slides. When we are at each other's houses, we would introduce each other to the toys we have. And he would patiently play masak-masak with me too, despite being a boy. When we played with my neighbour's daughter, he would join in our girlie games as well. He was an extremely sensitive and fun playmate for his age, and brought me through my fear of school at 4-5 years old. We were innocent happy little 'uns, playing each day, carefree of the troubles of the world.

After Kindergarten 1, after my cousin saw that i had settled properly into school, she transferred me back to the Kindergarten nearer my aunt's place, and i never saw him again. I heard that his family moved away after that, and gradually we lost touch with each other. At the young age of 6 years old, i soon forgot about his existence in the joy of making other young little friends, as kids usually forgot about stuff.

I dint remember him till i ran through some old childhood photos and my cousin told me of what he had done for me, overcoming my fear of school. There were only vague memories of a botak little boy always playing tger with me when i was young, but no more.

I do wonder occasionally where he is now, and if ever one day, our paths cross again, i would want to thank him for bringing me through that part of my childhood and sharing it with me.

In the midst of my own confused feelings, i suddenly realise, this is probably why up to now, as many other friends told me too, that i'm such a romantic idealist when it comes to relationships. Because he once laid that foundation for me when i was just 5 years old.



My childhood friend and i...

Getting bored with the state of things. Cynical. Restless. Down. Angry. Frustrated. Helpless. Hands tied.

Could be the time of the month speaking. Could be that one. single. incident. Could be that the princess in me is disillusioned after her rose-tinted glasses are removed.

Though Little Red Riding Hood is still thankful to the angel who led her away from the jaws of the Big Bad Wolf.
Though Snow White is still thankful for her dwarves who are watching and are concerned for her.
Though Giselle probably needs to fall into a few realities before she meets her Robert.

This week, I am just a v v confused and lonely and restless soul and is counting on the energy of my kids to bring forth the warrior in me. To push on.

Beautifully confused..

I can only trust my guardian angels to bring me through..

There are times when you are young and naive and feel like a young kid, and times of epiphany where you learn sth new about himself.

True, sometimes the truth can be biting, or evoke people to pull up their defenses, but these 2 days, i really appreciate how 2 of my angels put it in perspective for me.

These are the times I would learn sth new abt myself.

1) I can be very fixated on something ( u can find a nice word for it - loyal, devoted ) but truth is, I am fixated, and i can be too stubborn to consider other options at times. Note to self: must learn to open up and consider other viewpoints.

2) I am easily influenced by people's opinions. Until i get a clearer pic / see / know the circumstances better, then only is my stand more affirmative. Now this is v true. I like to say I listen to all sides of story, but truth is, (1) would come into play and I would be influenced tt way.

These 2 realisations make me realise how unfair i have been to 2 such ppl who crossed my path, and suddenly, my negative feelings are gone. I just wanna put them down, and you know how relieving that is? tt burden of putting down the feelings? I only hope these 2 ppl see and feel the jiayou msg i have given them and we can start on a fresh slate of sorts. Even if they have no desire to, I can say, from the bottom of my heart, i sincerely wish them well.

The next time, I will have to remember not to be so fixated and learn to make my stand clearer on things. it's gonna take practice but hey! I am a lucky gal, as piglet points out, i have my angels to guide me.

Signing off,
Princess Ling

P.S. KD babe (one of the abovementioned angels) told me to mention this, She said through my recommendation, she finally found the lippie color she been hunting for yrs.. woohoo small achievement for this amateur on makeup. It's the Vivaglam Lady Gaga lippie. I looooove it to bits the color (thanks fenggy!!) and using it pretty frequently, I was wearing it when i saw p sch crush tt nite (blushes).

Just for laughs: However the silly gal wen to Bobbi Brown to ask for the lippie and got scolded for the boo-boo. muahaahhahaa.

It's been a long time since those emo updates.. But a good sign isn't it? (also attributed to the fact that e time of the month is over and positive ions are happily floating in my body now)

Had a relatively good week. Chatted with KD in her shoppe, Nic for high tea (atas boy tt one), Piglet for dinner n chillout time n a little late night shoppin'. i bought shooooesss.. nv used to be this nutsss over shoes but i was actually examining all the shoe shops there were in iluma. Happy with a pair of sandals (a design i had before but it broke and i wanted to go back to buy lucky they still hv =)) and a pair of bling pumps.. and at discountsss!! i love sales.

And i think i saw my p sch crush todayyy.. *blushes*. I'm not too sure if it is him though, cos i mean, it's been yearssssss..

But if it's him, he does look good. there's just sth about a man in corporate wear. haha.

ahhh,,, the simplicity of childhood...

i shall put it out to the universe as prissy taught me and hope i find my sandcastle prince soon =)

Vanity

Just 1/2 a year ago, I blanched at the thought of putting no more than my basic skincare on my face. I was all about "Good skin is the Key of all". I just need good skin!! Of cos i was still getting comments on how tired I always looked.

6 months on.. from nothing..

To this..



And this..



And this.


I put like 7 stuffs on my face nowadays just for foundation: my basic 3 skincares (Cosme Decorte's Moisture Liposome and Mositurizer, Kose's Sekkisei), Sunblock, followed by Makeup Forever's HD Primer, Paul & Joe's Liquid Foundation, then set it off with Makeup Forever's Microfinish Powder.

Yup, that's a total of the 7 stuffs I put for skincare and foundation alone. And I haven't even gotten to putting in the colours (eyeshadow, blusher, lippie)

Dun faint now haha.

It all started with that fateful photoshoot in Feb:



the one where my sistaz tell me i finally look like their older sis, and how i got admiring glances from passers-by (there was this guy checking me out in Coffee Bean.. blush blush) and how i realise i can look really good with makeup.

Fenggy started making me up every time I go out for dates with my gfs and family.. i like her touch..


Then all the glam events..







Credits to these lovelies:

the gal who intro-ed me to Makeup Forever and got me my "starter kit" : brushes, color palette and Makeup Forever of cos.


the lady who did all my glam events makeup


the gal who did my eyeliner one night and it's the one time tt dint smudge!


my lovely makeup-crazy sisters.. the next time i go makeup shopping with them in Taiwan, i'll be able to appreciate it better than last year =) and it helps in sister-bonding heh.


wads next?

To build on my skills of cos. My Makeup Forever-crazy gal is reprimanding me for not knowing how to draw my eyes properly. oopz..

So welcome the world of makeup to my world.. Behold all these bottles and potions of magic.

oh it has been a fun, and exciting, and crazy, and expensive 2 weeks..

however i am glad for the friends and bonds formed in this journey.. and as i settle down from the high, i look forward to the next stage,,

me-time first however, and of cos, getting the room in order.. =)

Wanted to remember yest in these 2 incidents..

1) An ang moh stranger saw me outside during intermission and act stopped to tell me i have his note of confidence n he feels i will win and i looked fab onstage. V touching though i dint win anything, i felt i have my own "supporter" from the public ya know?

2) Prissy babe was telling my mummy backstage abt my good qualities, haven't been praised like tt and it really brought tear to my eyes..

Needs to give free flow to her tears...

Sigh, it could be the time before the time of the month that my yoyo emotions are outta control.

all the pent-up emotions that I have been trying to contain within me. Telling myself it's okay, finding explanations for all the ingrates, finding explanations for my neglected state, finding explanations to why people forget, don't respond etc, yoyo-ing back to feeling guilty cos there are other people who are more tired than me, who have done so much.. i feel like i could go nuts u know.

Much as i wanna go, oh, don't say so much. So-and-So is too busy. So-And-So is too tired. But ultimately at the end of the day, it seriously doesn't take that much to dial a few numbers, press a few characters, to send a message or call that would just make the person's day.

I have always been conscious in knowing how special days mean to people, and how a message or call can make a difference. But ultimately at the end of the day, i find that not all people feel the same way.

I gotta stop giving so much if i find that i am tired of giving and expecting something back in return. In all honesty, we will expect some people to remember and give back one. And i don't think it's a big thing to expect that someone more special in your life than others to be there.

I am tired. I know i need to stop being so intense and be more frivolous.. But it's so tiring.. esp when u start comparing.. esp when suddenly, sprouts more people that share the special day with u in the same month. shit there i go again.

Just let the tears flow for now and all and all be fine tomorrow, later, whatever.

i need to indulge in something other than people.

It's all about effort isn't it?

Efforts efforts efforts. Thoughts thoughts thoughts. Decisions decisions decisions.

Cannot wait for this month to be over.. Much as I wanna focus on the ones who have been truly thoughtful to me, I cannot help thinking, what an another neglected special day(s).

I need to get away from this all and focus on the positive ions. Like badly.

It's sad la.

I need to convince myself it aint all my fault all the time. But times like this, I really wonder if all the glam is worth the heartbreak.

and i also wonder, am i such a terrible person that some people i tot would remember forget about my bday, the day i have umpteenth times mentioned here that i feel should be tt one special day in everyone's life that the person shd be made to feel special?

But then again, are YOU a real friend if you are unable to stand by me in these times?

I know my core has not changed. I may be older, more jaded, but my core remains.

But as friends leave as the years go by, the doubts will creep back into my mind. esp in these milestones.

I shd just focus on the ones who survived the milestones shun i? (xoxo to flo and grace and zt here)

ying used to say i have damn suay luck in choosing frenz,, i used to vehemently rebut that but as the facts lay out for themselves, it is true.

at the end of the day, i just need a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on.

at the end of the day, i should just stop harping on these unworthy people and give thanks for the pillars in my life.

The effect of werewolves and toys

To watch the toys' bond on the big screen and then empathise with Jacob's anguish were such heart-rending experiences. Oh i am glad for the movie marathon today.

"You don't know how much I wish that is enough"

"The Clawww... "

awwww... to be touched to tears then to be wrung by Jacob's words... the emotions are really drained for them tonight.

i need a pair of wolfy-warm arms around me and a chance to love my Sylvanian toys all over again.

i was just tidying my wardrobe when a sudden epiphany occurred to me. There is a reason why the higher powers up there has put me where i am now - i'm talking about in terms of my choice of career. It may be a struggle now, but it is only the beginning.

It's like how i can connect with some people and can't with others. Had I got into the organization in April, I may have been miserable becos i can't connect with the people there, and it would be back to square 1, counting on my love for my children and youths to survive another miserable period.

I STILL get to do what i love now, and I have my peace of mind.

I am a blessed girl.

The beginning of a friendship between 2 like-minded souls is something i have not experienced for a long time. Blessings like this are scant, and i whole-heartedly embrace every single one tt comes into my life.

A late night chat over bottles of coke in Labrador Park, listening to the waves whispering, watching the brightly lit distant islands, and just absorbing the "wealth of water" (in her own words), was therapeutic and soothing in the midst of our busy weeks.

I look forward to more.

a good bowl of chashu ramen @ miharu's and dessert at Laurent B*** @ Robertson Quay with my healing balm starts my week right.

i love u g. for just listening and not passing judgement and pampering me... xoxo

Have come to the age where a handful of such cherished companions just do for me. U see? i'm so easily satisfied =)

was so emotionally strung-up last week, was just grateful for the kind compliments from a beauitful gal, and floooooo's company today. thank heavens we are so ageddd (like red wine, white wine in flo's words) that we are "beyond doubts".

Times like this, i just need those few who und me to surround me and pass me the positive vibes.

it's gonna be another full-on busy week ahead....

Happy Birthday to me?

Just wanna have a simple fun day out today with family since it is the first time in 3 years i don't have to work on my birthday.

Dun think it's alot to ask for, but the sucky weather, complaints, black unhappy faces and plain thoughtlessness just finally proved too much for me, even if i was willing to smile and coddle just to keep the peace.

Can't I just be given a day off to call it my special day, my own?

I definitely need my me-time soon.

i think i am still too young to be totally immune to others' comments and criticism.

When I know i am totally immune, that'll be the day i stop blogging / facebook-status-ing.

Nirvana then.

When you are the bottom trying your best to start from scratch again, and people are watching from the top casting stones down on you and adopting the wait-and-see approach, you know you just got to hold on tighter, grit the teeth and keep on climbing.

You just got to depend on your own resolve.

But it hurts the most when one of the casters is your own family member.

A day where i do not feel like headin out,,, could be the emo-ness of the time of the month..

just wanna nua n pack the room.. the new tenant moving in next week n all my toys aren't out yet..

however money is key now... so mind gotta win over heart today...

Coming back to reality

Certainly, being in the limelight for once is exhilarating, esp when it's a first-time experience.

It's lovely to hear mummy and sis proud.. and to enjoy the glam pics.. exciting to tag the neverending flow of pics in FB.. to the extent I just wasted a day away.

Time to check the emotions and come back to reality. I cannot forget what grounds me and let a mere 15 secs of fame wash me away.

It's so easy to get lost in "fame" (if u can call being featured in a New Paper article a type of fame, but seriously it's sth to smile over when u have always been pushed in the background), as all those cliche sayings go.

I enjoyed the glam. I'm happy i got to experience it first-hand.
But i feel more at ease in my big t shirt and torn shorts, spectacles and makeup-less face today, eating cai fan and drinking milo kosong with my cousin. =)

I love being Estrella Tan. I love being Shu Ling more of cos.

Life is so colourful =)

Times like this.. I know I been missing out on my me-time.

I hope I won't get the feeling that I am being used / taken advantage of, just cos I lapsed and go soft sometimes.

Hard-heartedness is needed at times for my own sanity of mind. Not peace. Just plain balance.

** Just read abt tt org's blog and found out they hired the other faci. Should I feel inadequate?

No, cos I am approaching 26 and I seriously don't have the time to dwell over unnecessary negativities that'll just dwindle my self-esteem and erase the validation i get from what i love to do.

It's their loss. They decided not to spend time to train a gal who may be weak in training workshops but has a big heart in working with children and youths nonetheless to want to overcome her hurdles. That's the big problem with alot of sw orgs in singapore. They aren't willing to spend time to train, or rather, cos of the status quo state, they cannot spare the people to train.

Still I can do it my way. I can STILL work with children and youths, as djj said, make use of your skill, what u have, to help people and have a better standard of living for yourself too.

I have my own little piece of sky now, and I will make it as blue and sunny as I can =)

another phase..

So the next phase in my journey has taken off..

I won't know the results till about 3 months later, but right now, it's going pretty well. I love my kids really. I have missed interacting with them.

And the money's looking good. I just need to be a little extra bit hardworking, but I am taking it slow and easy for now, cos I like it that way.

And next week's finally the IT fair. New MAC coming. Finally, a haven to store my thoughts and pics and memories and songs.

Cannot wait.

Ending off with 2 current fave pics from my 2 fave sites:






Colourful, stylish pics make my day=)

Heaven has a role for us all

天生我才必有用

i gotta believe that the route I am choosing is right.

All these months of waiting, speculating, deliberating, doubting,

I am finally embarking on the next phase.

Wish me luck.

The Little Joys..

There is always a little joy after a downpour..

I am a happy girl today. No matter what they say, it's true.. the rainbow, the air is always better after the rain, the downpour.

It's nothing much to shout over, but i am just happy that after the past few weeks of self-doubt, self-declared suayness and restlessness, today's events brought a little smile to my face and a little skip in my step.

The Korean twins were lovely for their first lesson, and i rediscovered my joy in being with kids with them. Ending on a good note, I went to buy my dinner and amidst all the closing stores, found that Edo Sushi is having 50% off their sushi before closing. I had a wonderful dinner of my fave salmon sushi at only 3bucks. Received a call which would pay me 100bucks for a 1.5hr focus grp discussion this sat. A little extra cash in the pocket.

Simple little things that make me happy. But I think the joy is felt more today because of the negativity of the past few weeks. The worries. It may still be a far off route to my final destination but for now, I am a happy gal. And I will enjoy it as long as it lasts=)

I quote Piglet:

Part of knowing what u want is to know what you have to give up.

So true.

And i do want a better standard of living.

Much as I know I wanna work with children and youths, however the sector only pays u enough such that one 吃不饱饿不死.

And what about the rising costs of living? i wanna a nice place when i'm 35, be able to afford my car before 30, fulfil my materialistic desires.. in short, i wanna be a glam gal.

So I gotta stop sitting on my laurels and do sth about this waiting-around situation for a job to land in my lap.

I gotta create chances for myself.

I hope my next plan of action succeeds..

It is difficult sometimes, when you know what you want and you try to relate it but people choose to dismiss u or don't give u the chance.

I guess at the end of the day, everyone is just selfish, taking care of their own interests.

Pop. Culture. Afternoon.

OMG. I'm totally in love with popcultureafternoon. Liz's style is totally to-die-for. I love her effortless way in pulling simple understated pieces today. Very chic, and her vintage pieces.. *faintz*

I have picked some of my fave pics of her here..







p.s. on the job search front, sac dint get back to me. But i have moved on. Like sha babe said, we aint young any longer.. and i cannot afford to rest on my laurels.. i gotta keep moving.. so i already got another work site and training lesson visit fixed for next week.. hope all goes well.. *fingers crossed*

i only wish ppl would stop asking me how is it going? why so long the delay? isn't it easy to find jobs in my field? I mean, my life isn't just about all this. I'm sure there are other topics to talk abt.. Plus interviewers are irritating enuff.. asking the same ques.. IF the job is so fab, why would i wanna leave? of cos there are reasons involved. And i'm sure u dun wanna me to talk badly of my prev employer right? This is basic courtesy.

But i guess it's hard for ppl in SG not to harp on this.. i mean it's ALL their lives. It's the only means too, where dreams can be fulfilled.

I need the money. To fulfill my dreams. And i am doing something about it. 'nuff said.

There are times i wonder why i chose to do social work (yep one of these emo times) when it requires interacting with ppl, advocating for ppl and basically great interaction and conversation skills. Then i remember, it isnt just all that. It's about making a difference to just one indiv's life, and i like how great that feeling feels. I rem the very first time, my p6 teacher talked to me, she was telling me how this classmate of mine wrote in one of our activities (personal sharing), that she feels better after talking to me and hearing my advice, and it made me feel good u know? it makes me feel like this is sth i could do.

(of cos theres also the fact SIA dun accept plus size gals, but tts beside the point haha)


So why oh why do i feel so inadequate, so out of place, or in piglet's words, "sticking out like a sore thumb" in this past week or so? I felt like everything i had learned, and experienced in the 2 yrs of studying and 2 yrs of work are like all thrown out again? And i'm being programmed to learn sth new (Perhaps this is why these few days 'Bad Romance' is on repeat mode on my playlist:go read The Vigilant Citizen's take on this video about being conditioned: it's apt). Like what i have done before doesn't seem to apply here. Like the little things i do doesn't seem to count. For eg, cos the students at the camp were tired and prolly not prepared to hear u rattle on, so i gave them lil postix to jot down their tots to 2 simple ques i gotta debrief on: my tot was i already done the debrief and i dun wanna repeat it over), then when i had to share during the facis' debrief, it's like.. inadequate or extra u know? Like my questions wasnt the way they wanted. Ok they were right, the journey is crafted in a way that each student had a diffnt takeaway, but why do i have to feel so extra doing it? i just wanted it to be comfy for the students, or have i been wrong?

I wish i would stop bothering with nitties gritties as such.

I love the time spent with the students (of cos some not all, i just dun think its possible that u could connect with all), i love joking and laughing with the gals, deep sharing with a couple gals, talking to some boys (somehow boys in the East side are like abit diffnt from what im used to in the North: a lil less judgmental, and i feel generally more relaxed).. i enjoy these little interactions. So why do i feel so inadequate in front of the adults? Like i cant connect even on a basic social level at all.

And i hate how the inadequacies made me doubt myself, the work i do. Or worse, spillover. I am awkward, quiet then. I know new environments will require adjusting to, getting used to, and i know once im past this stage, i'll be fine. But before that comes, i'm awkward, clumsy and stuck out like a sore thumb.

The only time i rem i wasnt like this was my time at ocbc (could be my haircut then tt gave me courage haha) or it could be when i'm with ppl who are less rah-rah, i'm naturally more open and confident. So why oh why does it have to be this way after tt?

There are quiet ppl ard too. This other faci, she's quiet too..... Okay STOP comparing already! See what i mean when i say i feel inadequate? I know i am not this way usually and i do have my own confidence in some areas, like working with girls and accessories.

I felt i have done to the best of my ability but why is this not internalised within me?

I was reading ohsofickle's blog and she wrote sth that struck a chord with me again:


I have to sleep but the thoughts, they'll keep running through my mind. Might do something stupid. So even though i was prolly 1 KM away from home, i got the uncle to turn back and headed to Nana. There, I felt weird. Out of place. With familiar faces around but none i know personally or talked to before. Sat there. Quietly. Joined in their lil drinking games and then i walked away...Hate the shy side of me. The side of me that can't seem to get along with anyone new.

And i tot she was one of the most outgoing and sociable gals with her truckload of friends. Maybe she is, but i think it does take common ground to really connect and be friends.

Like me with my babes. Like me with my gals talking abt boys and accessories and toys. Like me with sensitive boys talking abt abit more emo stuff.

This was one week of self-doubt, feeling inadequate and my esteem plunging a little. OR it could be a week of learning another side of me, of me needing to improve constantly. And it could be emo hormones too (my da yi ma coming, i feel sorry for piglet who have to endure my random smses when i'm emo, but her logical thinking is my best remedy. And of cos lovely sha who came down after work one day to acc me and flo for the company and advice too). The question is: Can I self-talk my way out of this?

After this week, i got to pick up the fallen pieces and tell myself this ISN'T all my life and convince myself of my strengths and remember the good work i done before again. Pretty tiring u know? i seem to be doing it all my life. I wonder when it'll ever end. When the bullets will stop penetrating my heart.

The only thing i know now is : i need validation for my work. I need the verbal n physical praise.

i just wrote a facebook email reply to linnea the great and i can't help but say this:

i miss working with my best partner and i miss the bitching days with piglet at xxx.

i hate the whole having to get-to-know-u-and-be-friendly thgie all over again.

Is....?

It is only the second day and i am feeling v v tired already.

And i am not even sitting in the office doing my planning cos i am not officially hired yet. (and i have my doubts i will be, cos when i am in the office yest, there were another 2 interviewees coming in for interview. Although i hrd they do not have the experience, still studying or just grad, but they may be cheaper to hire.

I dunno. I dun want to think about that first.

I just wanna think. Is this wad i wanna?

I am once again facing the crossroads, and this time, limitations of finances and job oppties out there is pressing me to make the decision. (unless i really do not get hired in the end) Fast.

If i still have a few K in my account balance, i think i can still afford to wait it out. But i dun. I need to build it all up again. And i am going to be 26 soon, with no finance buildup.

I dun want it this way.

I really like the oppties this job can offer me. the training oppties. the chance to really make my own mistakes and learn, as i have experienced it yest. This is something i did not have the chance to in my prev job, where i am picked up before i am even allowed to fall down. And i fully stand by the "the best way to learn is by falling down".

But i dunno if this is the work i wanna do. Sure, the training oppties are aplenty, and the way they enforced their teaching methods is v different and more results producing. and this is certainly a good chance to beef up my public speaking.

But i dun just wanna do training and workshops. And a little honesty here, i do hate camps.

I want to do counselling too. And i dunno how much this organization will give me. or if they will even give me at all.

Planning for a 2hour session is already taking its toll on me, i cant imagine how planning for a full day workshop is gonna be like.

Dun get me wrong. I think workshops are beneficial in their own ways, it's just that i dun endorse them, or rather, i do not enjoy running workshops cos i always feel i tend to miss ppl out, or that the effects i released isnt beneficial for all. I enjoy my small group counselling and indiv counselling cos i feel each child is so different and unique and i can do much more.

But i havent been getting what i wanna- have applied for children's home and p sch csllg but not successful. And i neeed a job.

The other way i look at it is, if i do eventually nab the job, i can make use of the training fund to beef up on my counselling skills which would be beneficial to me in the next organization i join.

that sounds like a good idea doesn't it? then i just gotta tough it out in the meantime.

This is wad happens when u know u gotta count on urself for everything. when there isnt a trust fund or plan u can depend on.

But i know i will eventually do it. I have been growing stronger year by year, and this is just gonna be another hurdle i gotta get through.

If i do not nab the job, then i gotta think of my next plan of action. fast.

If i have my own way, i would be a rich socialite. Or a talented fashion designer designing my own line and having a boutique.

But i just gotta stop with all these pipe dreams and be realistic. or when i save enuff money, probably the latter can still come true for me=)

chanting: I am young and i still have energy.. i am young and i gotta push on...

Buddha's story on anger

There are times I get v angry (read prev post) and wish that I can rise above it all. After all, I should be learning how to contain my emotions better. Found this story online that inspired me:

The Buddha explained how to handle insult and maintain compassion.

One day Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. "You have no right teaching others," he shouted. "You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake."

Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man "Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?"

The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, "It would belong to me, because I bought the gift."

The Buddha smiled and said, "That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger.

If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you.

You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself."

"If you want to stop hurting yourself, you must get rid of your anger and become loving instead. When you hate others, you yourself become unhappy. But when you love others, everyone is happy."

The young man listened closely to these wise words of the Buddha. "You are right, o Enlightened One, "he said. "Please teach me the path of love. I wish to become your follower."

The Buddha answered kindly, "Of course. I teach anyone who truly wants to learn. Come with me."

ANGRY!!

gonna ventilate in my private space already.. anw i gonna use all the fuck shit damn and nabeh words i can use cos this is MY space anyway and not many ppl really reads it anyway so i can ventilate till i am happy!! Even by a "suay" stroke of luck got the ppl i'm targetting reading it, better still, cos they deserve it.

The annual CNY commentary begins again but i'm definitely shocked this year by the unbelievable immaturity of certain male cousins despite them being married and one being a father. How can they make such hurtful and inane childish comments? hello, wake up ur idea already!!

I was expecting the usual "you are fatter" stuff. It's unavoidable and i dun deny it. I am fatter so what? This year even more best. Still got comments like "Plus size contest is to make oversize ppl feel better".. WTF? ur wife is putting on weight too. and fat ppl put on weight does not necessarily equate to eat more. There's medical conditions that enable some ppl to put on and lose weight. So lucky are those who lose weight and dun get said "u r greedy". Those who put on weight are unlucky la? Grow a brain!!

Why was i skinnier in my sec sch days and put on weight increasingly over the years? That's becos i was stupidly impressionable in my adol years and stupidly believe thinness=beauty and hence abused my body by only eating one meal a day. When i started eating normally like 3 meals a day, i put on weight, and tt began in Sec 4. I DID NOT EVEN FUCKING EAT MORE. I just ate normally. Dun give me the crap about indulgences and cravings. I had the average kind of indulgences and cravings as an average human being, most of the times even less. Stimes my slim friends even complain i eat too little, have a small appetite... that brings me to the next pt..

As i grow older, my appetite grew smaller.. however my weight just piles on. There was even a period in uni where I would get so worried over the weight gain i fucking went to the gym 4-5 times a week and took slimming pills. oh the money i wasted. I even swam everyday. Still, i continued to gain weight. These cousins said must be got to do with my diet. Hello, i exercised and i ate normal 3 meals.

Becos of the abuse i subjected my body, i suffered the conseq starting in JC. I had gastric and bloating problems and there were times i cun eat, but i still cont'ed to put on weight. I would have stomach flu and food poisoning, and unlike the normal indiv who loses weight, i nv lost a single kg. Depression set in and i even cut myself when these relatives made more comments about weight gain. However finally, all the medical problems really scare me and gave me a wake-up call, along with the chatitising of those who really cared for my health not my weight.

I stopped trying to lose weight and just learn to be happy with myself. But these ppl wun let up. They dun know a fricken thing about what happened in those years of my battered body and spirit. So they ASSUMED.

Fucking smart alecks. Did i forget to add superficial inane beings?

These days, i'm happier and more accepting of myself but these ppl hasn't changed since my sec school days, which is like 10 years ago.. I have moved on but their perception of thin=beauty still sticks. Stimes i wanna laugh out loud when i think about what they think, it's okay to be ugly but not fat. Fucking funny la.

Open your eyes and look out to the society out there idiots. Your age does not belie your maturity.

I am plus size but I am a healthy plus sizer. And i'm gonna throw this in your face. I'm an independent plus sizer. Even when not working, I dun think of asking my parents for pocket money and give me handouts. I survive on my savings. but u can't even afford to pay for your own wedding and education and even dates. Who's the real loser here? HAHAHA.

I really had alot more to say tonight but the environment (with kids around) is seriously not suitable. Plus i'm thinking for your pride. If u have any.

Then also, i felt even more angry thinking of the inane comments made to hurt my cousin. About how it's all her fault her bro is estranged from her. That coming from the mouth of another inane male cousin. Her own bro. How she does not invite said bro-in-question to the yearly gatherings. BTW, said bro-in-question prevents his son from keeping in touch with us after listening to his wife that we are all out to curse their family. WTF right. If you really wanna do some good, then why dun u do the inviting? And mend the bridges between them? Some people really dun check their brains before they open their mouths to speak. And said cousin is a father for heaven's sake. He has beautiful daughters that i hope would not be contaminated by him.

I just have to be content in the knowledge that like my cousin says, Every family has their own set of difficulties. Even though i continue to wonder, why are the men in my families so childish and immature for their age? Save maybe for my uncle who is able to bring up 6 children despite his weird temperament. My aunt was the loveliest and strongest woman, how did she give birth to such immature guys? *scratches head*

Doesn't take an Einstein to figure that i'm certainly in no hurry to rush down the aisle yet with the calibre of guys we have here.

I enjoy the destress writing offers me, the avenue where i can vent and it cannot answer me back, abit like talking to Bibi, but of cos he comes with emotions as well.

I'm actually pretty sick of people recently, and this is one sentiment considering that i dun even have a lot of friends to begin with, and i dun even go out with alot people.

Or maybe, i could just be sick of facing people cos i dunno how to face myself lately.

I'm feeling like a dishrag of late, mopping up the sick and vomit people (not necessarily direct at me) throw at me recently, and i'm tired of discerning.

I'm confused cos i feel like my values about friendship have been trodden too much in the dirt lately, as if the way I communicate and interact and let friends into my life is all wrong.

And it does not help that in SOME instances (not all), this has been proven right. And in my effort to be more wary, i just keep to myself again.

it's fucking unhealthy i know it and i dun like it.

i wish my values would stop being questioned and i would be proven right, like, given the green light through all the stages.

i'm sad and i feel like crying and shouting it out and complain/whine to someone but i know it is no use and i dun have such a person i can totally trust my emotions with anyway so i just turn to this only avenue, hoping that i can sort my feelings this way.

And channelling all my energies into finding a good-paid job cos i need security in something and i think the only security i can derive from now is cold hard cash.

Sad but true, cos, who dun need money? at least this period taught me about this. I dun blame people for not being more understanding of my financial limitations (unlike Y who feels they should pay for me knowing my situation - now that's another point of argument) becos money is a sensitive issue afterall and i am not her. My friends are not hers. They do not have to pay for me. I keep convincing myself this and yet, her accusatory tone still rings loud and clear. sigh.

I'm glad in a way this happened cos it gives me the motivation to find a job asap so i dun have the reason to bum around for too long. Cos when my finances run low, my panic increases and I would feel the urge to wanna up the bank balance.

i have to keep reminding myself that nobody has any reason to give my grief over the things i do and choose not to do but its damn hard ya. Cos i'm still struggling not to let these same people affect me the way they do. I was not born the just-do-it-and-just-let-it-go way and i should not be forced to be cultivated like that.

I really think i'm better off as a hermit at times. Since i'm feeling slighted and misunderstood so often, it doesn't seem people are v good for me eh? Days of meditation in a isolated valley suddenly sounds like a whole lot appealing.

In the meantime, whilst i still survive here, i can make these few NY resolutions:

1. Continue cultivating the independence,
2. Scream a bit more and
3. Expect very little, to the point of zilch, especially of people i care for the most. (cos then the disappointment is a whole lot lesser)

greatly saddened and angered by some things happening at home.

i hope i will find it in me to stand up.