There are times i wonder why i chose to do social work (yep one of these emo times) when it requires interacting with ppl, advocating for ppl and basically great interaction and conversation skills. Then i remember, it isnt just all that. It's about making a difference to just one indiv's life, and i like how great that feeling feels. I rem the very first time, my p6 teacher talked to me, she was telling me how this classmate of mine wrote in one of our activities (personal sharing), that she feels better after talking to me and hearing my advice, and it made me feel good u know? it makes me feel like this is sth i could do.

(of cos theres also the fact SIA dun accept plus size gals, but tts beside the point haha)


So why oh why do i feel so inadequate, so out of place, or in piglet's words, "sticking out like a sore thumb" in this past week or so? I felt like everything i had learned, and experienced in the 2 yrs of studying and 2 yrs of work are like all thrown out again? And i'm being programmed to learn sth new (Perhaps this is why these few days 'Bad Romance' is on repeat mode on my playlist:go read The Vigilant Citizen's take on this video about being conditioned: it's apt). Like what i have done before doesn't seem to apply here. Like the little things i do doesn't seem to count. For eg, cos the students at the camp were tired and prolly not prepared to hear u rattle on, so i gave them lil postix to jot down their tots to 2 simple ques i gotta debrief on: my tot was i already done the debrief and i dun wanna repeat it over), then when i had to share during the facis' debrief, it's like.. inadequate or extra u know? Like my questions wasnt the way they wanted. Ok they were right, the journey is crafted in a way that each student had a diffnt takeaway, but why do i have to feel so extra doing it? i just wanted it to be comfy for the students, or have i been wrong?

I wish i would stop bothering with nitties gritties as such.

I love the time spent with the students (of cos some not all, i just dun think its possible that u could connect with all), i love joking and laughing with the gals, deep sharing with a couple gals, talking to some boys (somehow boys in the East side are like abit diffnt from what im used to in the North: a lil less judgmental, and i feel generally more relaxed).. i enjoy these little interactions. So why do i feel so inadequate in front of the adults? Like i cant connect even on a basic social level at all.

And i hate how the inadequacies made me doubt myself, the work i do. Or worse, spillover. I am awkward, quiet then. I know new environments will require adjusting to, getting used to, and i know once im past this stage, i'll be fine. But before that comes, i'm awkward, clumsy and stuck out like a sore thumb.

The only time i rem i wasnt like this was my time at ocbc (could be my haircut then tt gave me courage haha) or it could be when i'm with ppl who are less rah-rah, i'm naturally more open and confident. So why oh why does it have to be this way after tt?

There are quiet ppl ard too. This other faci, she's quiet too..... Okay STOP comparing already! See what i mean when i say i feel inadequate? I know i am not this way usually and i do have my own confidence in some areas, like working with girls and accessories.

I felt i have done to the best of my ability but why is this not internalised within me?

I was reading ohsofickle's blog and she wrote sth that struck a chord with me again:


I have to sleep but the thoughts, they'll keep running through my mind. Might do something stupid. So even though i was prolly 1 KM away from home, i got the uncle to turn back and headed to Nana. There, I felt weird. Out of place. With familiar faces around but none i know personally or talked to before. Sat there. Quietly. Joined in their lil drinking games and then i walked away...Hate the shy side of me. The side of me that can't seem to get along with anyone new.

And i tot she was one of the most outgoing and sociable gals with her truckload of friends. Maybe she is, but i think it does take common ground to really connect and be friends.

Like me with my babes. Like me with my gals talking abt boys and accessories and toys. Like me with sensitive boys talking abt abit more emo stuff.

This was one week of self-doubt, feeling inadequate and my esteem plunging a little. OR it could be a week of learning another side of me, of me needing to improve constantly. And it could be emo hormones too (my da yi ma coming, i feel sorry for piglet who have to endure my random smses when i'm emo, but her logical thinking is my best remedy. And of cos lovely sha who came down after work one day to acc me and flo for the company and advice too). The question is: Can I self-talk my way out of this?

After this week, i got to pick up the fallen pieces and tell myself this ISN'T all my life and convince myself of my strengths and remember the good work i done before again. Pretty tiring u know? i seem to be doing it all my life. I wonder when it'll ever end. When the bullets will stop penetrating my heart.

The only thing i know now is : i need validation for my work. I need the verbal n physical praise.