These 2 days of non-activity and just purely grieving helps alot.. esp the material i came across online too.. shall copy a couple here for my own reference in future:

Dispositionally, the narcissist is of most, "Controlling". The need for control is most formidible, in every aspect of their life. Nothing can be compromised at any time, any event, or in any detail. Deceitfullness is utmost, and the edge to further any situation to have as one may is only to be subjected to a petty artifice, or that of a, "grifter". Words are spoken as an illusion of confidence. Despite all. Ignore and move on to that of what you can enjoy. They have free rent in your head. Fill it with some new tenants! That of what or those you enjoy! You may need to start long ago where you left back in you life before the "Wolf came to your door." Keeping the door locked may not be such a bad idea. Negative emotional contagion, and the parasitic symbotic relationships need to end. For every cloud has silver lining.

A relationship with a narcissist is as beneficial and pleasant as a relationship with a rattlesnake. Deal with them the same way you would deal with the situation if you spotted a rattlesnake a few feet away from you.

When you terminate the relationship with the rattlesnake er... narcissist, do not seek "closure" or try to explain to them why you are taking such steps or explain to them you still wish them well etc. A narcissist will merely try to exploit what s/he sees as your weakness when you do such things.

Remember - you can't out psycho a psycho and you can't hurt someone who has defenses that would make the Marines proud.

Couz said something before: always pray that u don't encounter such characters, esp characters who can outdo u psychosocially. I learned that there are such sick people in this world.. who have no innate goodness and live and thrive on the unhappiness and pain of others. At least i learned something out of this.

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The other thing that crossed my mind is: if i have to think of the worst case scenario, and that is to see them happy and married now, or within a few months, or him informing everyone that she was the one who changed him. Then here comes the catch 22: for how long dude? for how long.. 2 months, 6 months? a year? 10 years? Depending on the length of time and of course the character of said partner involved, Narcs being emotional vampires would have sucked all the life outta the victim. Hey, perhaps the biatch prefers it that way.

Seems fitting that his initials coincides with Narcissist and the women in his life are all Narcissist Supplies (NS). Extremely befitting.. Cheers to that.

It feels difficult to breathe today.. But guess what? I made it out of bed =)

If there was a "erase memory" button... but there must be a reason there isn't. After all, didn't like i walk out of the M&L saga that time intact?

I can do it.. i will not become like him.. walk in and out of relationships incomplete and having alot of spare tyres on the sideline to fill up his slots of loneliness.. Never satisfied.

I will walk out whole. Without needing a slot.

I think it is especially hard today cos i am suffering from withdrawal symptoms from the holiday.. and the fact that my period is here and i still wake up feeling panicked and in fear that it would not get better.

So what did i do?

I literally forced myself to get up to face the day, and tell myself that it is only part of my life, not my whole life, not my whole self, and everytime he comes to mind, to force myself to replace a thought of him with a positive thought of something else, something like hey, so what i am going to do for my work today?

I also cannot forget or forgive the fact that he knew it was my first relationship and he was still vindinctive enough to hurt me this way, even telling me that nobody forgets their first love. Haha. I will not let him win. He wants to be remembered in the most impacted manner possible.. I guess his sense of self-importance is utterly misplaced cos he was the lowest-down worm that i allowed to enter my life. Has to be gotten rid of as soon as possible.

And how do i do that? My life, as i know it, is surrounded with some of the most beautiful, smartest and characters of quality that he would never have in his life (seeing that his life is empty and filled with superficial people or deluded people who pander to his charms and probably think he is going to be someone important when all he is doing is leeching off his family's influence and he is still a nobody at 34, scratch that, even the people he claimed to be friends with for decades must be of no quality not to see the character flaws in his personality). But then again, he is a narcissist, and narcissists get through their lives living off narcissistic supplies and die thinking they got the best deal of all.. Ah well. So be it.


What's important now is me. I need my own self-healing, why i'm attracted to characters like that (oh wait, i know, i have the tendency to want to "rescue" people) i definitely must be more selfish now and only rescue myself.

So let's start. I must be selfish today by doing something that makes me happy, even if it's something that will not agree with someone else.

So I am back from Batam..

Told mum today.. i didn't feel like coming back.. afraid to come back to face all the nightmares again (not that i did not have them in batam)..

I think i need to take out more of that courage i know i possess inside me and push myself on..

Amidst all the tears and sadness and wallowing, I don't want to forget how to live.. I want to live, to hurt and to find happiness amidst it all.

I will keep crying.. and hurting... and crying and thinking and hating and replaying.. till i learn to forgive and forget. And let myself go.

And most importantly, i need to believe i can do it myself. And not seek solace from someone, or something, or sweep it under the carpet and have it revisit me in a few years' time.

Shuling, your healing will begin =)

This is something i keep telling myself when it gets super painful and excruciating.

No matter how painful it is now, i have to go through with it. Even if it slaps me in the face or stones me or sticks a thousand blades in my heart.

Because at the end of it, i want to walk out of it smarter and better. Not angry or bitter. Being able to stand being alone. Address all my fear of abandonment issues. Whole again.

So the intense pain now is necessary. I dont like it. I dont want it. But it needs to happen.

I dunno when the tears will stop. When i will stop crying.

But i know i had a good cry tonight, and its cathartic, its not the end and i wanna cry some more.

Knowing that is another step forward i hope.

At a time like this, i think i need to keep writing again to journal my feelings..

It's been a month since the "official breakup"... When will my heart feel whole again? I been pestered to move on, to heal, to do this and that. and all i wanna say is, "GIMME A BREAK!!"

It's not going to be easy seeing that at this point in time, all i still wanna is for him to leave that biatch and grovel back. They shouldn't be happy. They don't deserve to be happy.

Yet the mind tells me that, if i suffer now, i can really enjoy my happiness later. And whilst they are enjoying their superficial happiness now, they will suffer later.

My heart tells me to go ahead and message and demand the answer i never got cos my well-meaning friends told me not to msg as dignity is the way to go.

I so need a vacation.

I dunno whether to feel happie or not. Just enjoy the moment i guess.

心情 down.

淑玲，你没想象中坚强。
淑玲, 你比想象中坚强。

不同的意义， 在一字之差。

For eveything that I have now, I am thankful.

I want to remember every moment i feel this way and record it down.. so here i am =)

Like i was telling flo the other day, i know there's a reason why things turn out the way they are, no matter whether it was what we predicted or unplanned.

I am grateful. For my life.

Feeling that super-alone feeling more than ever this period...

It makes me feel kinda glad in a way that i know nobody really reads this space anymore, not the people i know of anyway.. i think. Yet there are times i do wanna cry out for the attention. But pride and sensibility prevents me from doing so.

I always did think, my kids have no idea how lucky they are to be involved in all the stuffs they are now.. cos i have the feeling.. i'm feeling restless this way cos i dun hv enough to occupy me.

Then again, i know i shun have done tt that time... it's prolly one of the contributing factors to this feeling of super-aloneness..

I just need to work harder to keep the mind occupied. And remind myself not to do stoopiak things when i can't handle the consequences..

Intense emotion overload today...

sweet smses from a couple of youths.. it's always the unexpected that touches you..

reminscient and revelation of those bittersweet memories with a close friend.. it feels good to let it out and look upon them not just as lessons learned, but to clear it within yourself too..

the story of the Prince's Tale.. the chapter in HP that always dissolves me in tears whether it is in print or picture..

Intense emotion overload today.. but i welcome every min of it =)

... needs to learn to stop thinking too much. hoping too much. expecting too much.

Maybe i really dunno how the game is played. That's why i am in this confused state now of not knowing what to expect. Can i don't play games at all?

Haiz. the consequence of being born in the wrong era.

I used to be a worrywart. I worry about balloons flying away even when they are wound around my wrist on strings.

I don't think much has changed since I have grown up.. still a worrywart, more than ever. Think too much.

It doesn't happen often..

But it's one of those nights when I feel scarily , painfully alone.. and I am hanging onto every sms from friends like a life thread, going on a random site to seek attention.. just to give me validation for this existence and distract me a little from the painful loneliness..

So so alone.. wanna hug myself but even my arms are cold..

I need to peace out.

Just Stop Thinking.

I hate it when my mind is in this obsessing drive, especially when subject of obsession isn't worth a damn minute of the obsessing.

Chin up Ling.

You know you are better than this.

On the other side of the coin, perhaps I just need to trivialize this situation.

No Big Deal.

Really?

Quote of the Day: “Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious...” Michael Stipe

I am my worst enemy, best motivator, worst nemesis, best advisor..

haiz.

"Gatherings" like this make me think too much, especially about people. So-called relatives we have grown distant from, but are forced to come together obligatorily.

Made me think of the happier times, the times when things were so much easier, where laughter was aplenty and negativity, bitterness, suspicion and complaints were lesser.

The family photo we took that fateful day in 1997 now has 3 members lesser.

It is really the living who has it harder. I hope my beloved aunt and her brothers are having a nice gathering in the other dimension.

There are times I wonder why the men in my family are so childish, so superficial, so immature. I mean those who are in their 40s, 50s. I mean seriously, rolls eyes.

Or the men I encountered this generation are just too spoilt or fail to understand the meaning of graciousness or chivalry simply becos they are used to being spoonfed.

I might kill for...

Makeup Forever 25th anniversary Aqua Eyes Collector Set


Ahh... I'll put this on my Christmas wishing list this year and dream on about owning it. It's not available here and even if it is, it's gonna cost an arm and leg.

I fell head over heels in love with my first Aqua Eyes 7L Turquiose and splurged on 2 more: 11L Purple and 17L Pistachio. No disappointment there. Their eyeliner's gotta be one of the best out there. Lucky for me, i dint have to spend too much money experimenting in the first place thanks to good teachers at the beginning who had already done the experimenting and launched me in the right brand.


No it ain't color pencils which makes the packaging even more unique. Like the pretty colour pencils in a metallic box I used to own in kindergarten.

Imagine the experimenting I can do with this box and the different looks and alluring eyes I can come up with if I own this..

Well a girl can dream =)

Self-awareness doesn't really lessen the pain.