was so emotionally strung-up last week, was just grateful for the kind compliments from a beauitful gal, and floooooo's company today. thank heavens we are so ageddd (like red wine, white wine in flo's words) that we are "beyond doubts".

Times like this, i just need those few who und me to surround me and pass me the positive vibes.

it's gonna be another full-on busy week ahead....

Happy Birthday to me?

Just wanna have a simple fun day out today with family since it is the first time in 3 years i don't have to work on my birthday.

Dun think it's alot to ask for, but the sucky weather, complaints, black unhappy faces and plain thoughtlessness just finally proved too much for me, even if i was willing to smile and coddle just to keep the peace.

Can't I just be given a day off to call it my special day, my own?

I definitely need my me-time soon.

i think i am still too young to be totally immune to others' comments and criticism.

When I know i am totally immune, that'll be the day i stop blogging / facebook-status-ing.

Nirvana then.

When you are the bottom trying your best to start from scratch again, and people are watching from the top casting stones down on you and adopting the wait-and-see approach, you know you just got to hold on tighter, grit the teeth and keep on climbing.

You just got to depend on your own resolve.

But it hurts the most when one of the casters is your own family member.

A day where i do not feel like headin out,,, could be the emo-ness of the time of the month..

just wanna nua n pack the room.. the new tenant moving in next week n all my toys aren't out yet..

however money is key now... so mind gotta win over heart today...

Coming back to reality

Certainly, being in the limelight for once is exhilarating, esp when it's a first-time experience.

It's lovely to hear mummy and sis proud.. and to enjoy the glam pics.. exciting to tag the neverending flow of pics in FB.. to the extent I just wasted a day away.

Time to check the emotions and come back to reality. I cannot forget what grounds me and let a mere 15 secs of fame wash me away.

It's so easy to get lost in "fame" (if u can call being featured in a New Paper article a type of fame, but seriously it's sth to smile over when u have always been pushed in the background), as all those cliche sayings go.

I enjoyed the glam. I'm happy i got to experience it first-hand.
But i feel more at ease in my big t shirt and torn shorts, spectacles and makeup-less face today, eating cai fan and drinking milo kosong with my cousin. =)

I love being Estrella Tan. I love being Shu Ling more of cos.

Life is so colourful =)

Times like this.. I know I been missing out on my me-time.

I hope I won't get the feeling that I am being used / taken advantage of, just cos I lapsed and go soft sometimes.

Hard-heartedness is needed at times for my own sanity of mind. Not peace. Just plain balance.

** Just read abt tt org's blog and found out they hired the other faci. Should I feel inadequate?

No, cos I am approaching 26 and I seriously don't have the time to dwell over unnecessary negativities that'll just dwindle my self-esteem and erase the validation i get from what i love to do.

It's their loss. They decided not to spend time to train a gal who may be weak in training workshops but has a big heart in working with children and youths nonetheless to want to overcome her hurdles. That's the big problem with alot of sw orgs in singapore. They aren't willing to spend time to train, or rather, cos of the status quo state, they cannot spare the people to train.

Still I can do it my way. I can STILL work with children and youths, as djj said, make use of your skill, what u have, to help people and have a better standard of living for yourself too.

I have my own little piece of sky now, and I will make it as blue and sunny as I can =)

another phase..

So the next phase in my journey has taken off..

I won't know the results till about 3 months later, but right now, it's going pretty well. I love my kids really. I have missed interacting with them.

And the money's looking good. I just need to be a little extra bit hardworking, but I am taking it slow and easy for now, cos I like it that way.

And next week's finally the IT fair. New MAC coming. Finally, a haven to store my thoughts and pics and memories and songs.

Cannot wait.

Ending off with 2 current fave pics from my 2 fave sites:






Colourful, stylish pics make my day=)

Heaven has a role for us all

天生我才必有用

i gotta believe that the route I am choosing is right.

All these months of waiting, speculating, deliberating, doubting,

I am finally embarking on the next phase.

Wish me luck.

The Little Joys..

There is always a little joy after a downpour..

I am a happy girl today. No matter what they say, it's true.. the rainbow, the air is always better after the rain, the downpour.

It's nothing much to shout over, but i am just happy that after the past few weeks of self-doubt, self-declared suayness and restlessness, today's events brought a little smile to my face and a little skip in my step.

The Korean twins were lovely for their first lesson, and i rediscovered my joy in being with kids with them. Ending on a good note, I went to buy my dinner and amidst all the closing stores, found that Edo Sushi is having 50% off their sushi before closing. I had a wonderful dinner of my fave salmon sushi at only 3bucks. Received a call which would pay me 100bucks for a 1.5hr focus grp discussion this sat. A little extra cash in the pocket.

Simple little things that make me happy. But I think the joy is felt more today because of the negativity of the past few weeks. The worries. It may still be a far off route to my final destination but for now, I am a happy gal. And I will enjoy it as long as it lasts=)

I quote Piglet:

Part of knowing what u want is to know what you have to give up.

So true.

And i do want a better standard of living.

Much as I know I wanna work with children and youths, however the sector only pays u enough such that one 吃不饱饿不死.

And what about the rising costs of living? i wanna a nice place when i'm 35, be able to afford my car before 30, fulfil my materialistic desires.. in short, i wanna be a glam gal.

So I gotta stop sitting on my laurels and do sth about this waiting-around situation for a job to land in my lap.

I gotta create chances for myself.

I hope my next plan of action succeeds..

It is difficult sometimes, when you know what you want and you try to relate it but people choose to dismiss u or don't give u the chance.

I guess at the end of the day, everyone is just selfish, taking care of their own interests.

Pop. Culture. Afternoon.

OMG. I'm totally in love with popcultureafternoon. Liz's style is totally to-die-for. I love her effortless way in pulling simple understated pieces today. Very chic, and her vintage pieces.. *faintz*

I have picked some of my fave pics of her here..







p.s. on the job search front, sac dint get back to me. But i have moved on. Like sha babe said, we aint young any longer.. and i cannot afford to rest on my laurels.. i gotta keep moving.. so i already got another work site and training lesson visit fixed for next week.. hope all goes well.. *fingers crossed*

i only wish ppl would stop asking me how is it going? why so long the delay? isn't it easy to find jobs in my field? I mean, my life isn't just about all this. I'm sure there are other topics to talk abt.. Plus interviewers are irritating enuff.. asking the same ques.. IF the job is so fab, why would i wanna leave? of cos there are reasons involved. And i'm sure u dun wanna me to talk badly of my prev employer right? This is basic courtesy.

But i guess it's hard for ppl in SG not to harp on this.. i mean it's ALL their lives. It's the only means too, where dreams can be fulfilled.

I need the money. To fulfill my dreams. And i am doing something about it. 'nuff said.

There are times i wonder why i chose to do social work (yep one of these emo times) when it requires interacting with ppl, advocating for ppl and basically great interaction and conversation skills. Then i remember, it isnt just all that. It's about making a difference to just one indiv's life, and i like how great that feeling feels. I rem the very first time, my p6 teacher talked to me, she was telling me how this classmate of mine wrote in one of our activities (personal sharing), that she feels better after talking to me and hearing my advice, and it made me feel good u know? it makes me feel like this is sth i could do.

(of cos theres also the fact SIA dun accept plus size gals, but tts beside the point haha)


So why oh why do i feel so inadequate, so out of place, or in piglet's words, "sticking out like a sore thumb" in this past week or so? I felt like everything i had learned, and experienced in the 2 yrs of studying and 2 yrs of work are like all thrown out again? And i'm being programmed to learn sth new (Perhaps this is why these few days 'Bad Romance' is on repeat mode on my playlist:go read The Vigilant Citizen's take on this video about being conditioned: it's apt). Like what i have done before doesn't seem to apply here. Like the little things i do doesn't seem to count. For eg, cos the students at the camp were tired and prolly not prepared to hear u rattle on, so i gave them lil postix to jot down their tots to 2 simple ques i gotta debrief on: my tot was i already done the debrief and i dun wanna repeat it over), then when i had to share during the facis' debrief, it's like.. inadequate or extra u know? Like my questions wasnt the way they wanted. Ok they were right, the journey is crafted in a way that each student had a diffnt takeaway, but why do i have to feel so extra doing it? i just wanted it to be comfy for the students, or have i been wrong?

I wish i would stop bothering with nitties gritties as such.

I love the time spent with the students (of cos some not all, i just dun think its possible that u could connect with all), i love joking and laughing with the gals, deep sharing with a couple gals, talking to some boys (somehow boys in the East side are like abit diffnt from what im used to in the North: a lil less judgmental, and i feel generally more relaxed).. i enjoy these little interactions. So why do i feel so inadequate in front of the adults? Like i cant connect even on a basic social level at all.

And i hate how the inadequacies made me doubt myself, the work i do. Or worse, spillover. I am awkward, quiet then. I know new environments will require adjusting to, getting used to, and i know once im past this stage, i'll be fine. But before that comes, i'm awkward, clumsy and stuck out like a sore thumb.

The only time i rem i wasnt like this was my time at ocbc (could be my haircut then tt gave me courage haha) or it could be when i'm with ppl who are less rah-rah, i'm naturally more open and confident. So why oh why does it have to be this way after tt?

There are quiet ppl ard too. This other faci, she's quiet too..... Okay STOP comparing already! See what i mean when i say i feel inadequate? I know i am not this way usually and i do have my own confidence in some areas, like working with girls and accessories.

I felt i have done to the best of my ability but why is this not internalised within me?

I was reading ohsofickle's blog and she wrote sth that struck a chord with me again:


I have to sleep but the thoughts, they'll keep running through my mind. Might do something stupid. So even though i was prolly 1 KM away from home, i got the uncle to turn back and headed to Nana. There, I felt weird. Out of place. With familiar faces around but none i know personally or talked to before. Sat there. Quietly. Joined in their lil drinking games and then i walked away...Hate the shy side of me. The side of me that can't seem to get along with anyone new.

And i tot she was one of the most outgoing and sociable gals with her truckload of friends. Maybe she is, but i think it does take common ground to really connect and be friends.

Like me with my babes. Like me with my gals talking abt boys and accessories and toys. Like me with sensitive boys talking abt abit more emo stuff.

This was one week of self-doubt, feeling inadequate and my esteem plunging a little. OR it could be a week of learning another side of me, of me needing to improve constantly. And it could be emo hormones too (my da yi ma coming, i feel sorry for piglet who have to endure my random smses when i'm emo, but her logical thinking is my best remedy. And of cos lovely sha who came down after work one day to acc me and flo for the company and advice too). The question is: Can I self-talk my way out of this?

After this week, i got to pick up the fallen pieces and tell myself this ISN'T all my life and convince myself of my strengths and remember the good work i done before again. Pretty tiring u know? i seem to be doing it all my life. I wonder when it'll ever end. When the bullets will stop penetrating my heart.

The only thing i know now is : i need validation for my work. I need the verbal n physical praise.

i just wrote a facebook email reply to linnea the great and i can't help but say this:

i miss working with my best partner and i miss the bitching days with piglet at xxx.

i hate the whole having to get-to-know-u-and-be-friendly thgie all over again.

Is....?

It is only the second day and i am feeling v v tired already.

And i am not even sitting in the office doing my planning cos i am not officially hired yet. (and i have my doubts i will be, cos when i am in the office yest, there were another 2 interviewees coming in for interview. Although i hrd they do not have the experience, still studying or just grad, but they may be cheaper to hire.

I dunno. I dun want to think about that first.

I just wanna think. Is this wad i wanna?

I am once again facing the crossroads, and this time, limitations of finances and job oppties out there is pressing me to make the decision. (unless i really do not get hired in the end) Fast.

If i still have a few K in my account balance, i think i can still afford to wait it out. But i dun. I need to build it all up again. And i am going to be 26 soon, with no finance buildup.

I dun want it this way.

I really like the oppties this job can offer me. the training oppties. the chance to really make my own mistakes and learn, as i have experienced it yest. This is something i did not have the chance to in my prev job, where i am picked up before i am even allowed to fall down. And i fully stand by the "the best way to learn is by falling down".

But i dunno if this is the work i wanna do. Sure, the training oppties are aplenty, and the way they enforced their teaching methods is v different and more results producing. and this is certainly a good chance to beef up my public speaking.

But i dun just wanna do training and workshops. And a little honesty here, i do hate camps.

I want to do counselling too. And i dunno how much this organization will give me. or if they will even give me at all.

Planning for a 2hour session is already taking its toll on me, i cant imagine how planning for a full day workshop is gonna be like.

Dun get me wrong. I think workshops are beneficial in their own ways, it's just that i dun endorse them, or rather, i do not enjoy running workshops cos i always feel i tend to miss ppl out, or that the effects i released isnt beneficial for all. I enjoy my small group counselling and indiv counselling cos i feel each child is so different and unique and i can do much more.

But i havent been getting what i wanna- have applied for children's home and p sch csllg but not successful. And i neeed a job.

The other way i look at it is, if i do eventually nab the job, i can make use of the training fund to beef up on my counselling skills which would be beneficial to me in the next organization i join.

that sounds like a good idea doesn't it? then i just gotta tough it out in the meantime.

This is wad happens when u know u gotta count on urself for everything. when there isnt a trust fund or plan u can depend on.

But i know i will eventually do it. I have been growing stronger year by year, and this is just gonna be another hurdle i gotta get through.

If i do not nab the job, then i gotta think of my next plan of action. fast.

If i have my own way, i would be a rich socialite. Or a talented fashion designer designing my own line and having a boutique.

But i just gotta stop with all these pipe dreams and be realistic. or when i save enuff money, probably the latter can still come true for me=)

chanting: I am young and i still have energy.. i am young and i gotta push on...

Buddha's story on anger

There are times I get v angry (read prev post) and wish that I can rise above it all. After all, I should be learning how to contain my emotions better. Found this story online that inspired me:

The Buddha explained how to handle insult and maintain compassion.

One day Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. "You have no right teaching others," he shouted. "You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake."

Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man "Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?"

The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, "It would belong to me, because I bought the gift."

The Buddha smiled and said, "That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger.

If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you.

You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself."

"If you want to stop hurting yourself, you must get rid of your anger and become loving instead. When you hate others, you yourself become unhappy. But when you love others, everyone is happy."

The young man listened closely to these wise words of the Buddha. "You are right, o Enlightened One, "he said. "Please teach me the path of love. I wish to become your follower."

The Buddha answered kindly, "Of course. I teach anyone who truly wants to learn. Come with me."

ANGRY!!

gonna ventilate in my private space already.. anw i gonna use all the fuck shit damn and nabeh words i can use cos this is MY space anyway and not many ppl really reads it anyway so i can ventilate till i am happy!! Even by a "suay" stroke of luck got the ppl i'm targetting reading it, better still, cos they deserve it.

The annual CNY commentary begins again but i'm definitely shocked this year by the unbelievable immaturity of certain male cousins despite them being married and one being a father. How can they make such hurtful and inane childish comments? hello, wake up ur idea already!!

I was expecting the usual "you are fatter" stuff. It's unavoidable and i dun deny it. I am fatter so what? This year even more best. Still got comments like "Plus size contest is to make oversize ppl feel better".. WTF? ur wife is putting on weight too. and fat ppl put on weight does not necessarily equate to eat more. There's medical conditions that enable some ppl to put on and lose weight. So lucky are those who lose weight and dun get said "u r greedy". Those who put on weight are unlucky la? Grow a brain!!

Why was i skinnier in my sec sch days and put on weight increasingly over the years? That's becos i was stupidly impressionable in my adol years and stupidly believe thinness=beauty and hence abused my body by only eating one meal a day. When i started eating normally like 3 meals a day, i put on weight, and tt began in Sec 4. I DID NOT EVEN FUCKING EAT MORE. I just ate normally. Dun give me the crap about indulgences and cravings. I had the average kind of indulgences and cravings as an average human being, most of the times even less. Stimes my slim friends even complain i eat too little, have a small appetite... that brings me to the next pt..

As i grow older, my appetite grew smaller.. however my weight just piles on. There was even a period in uni where I would get so worried over the weight gain i fucking went to the gym 4-5 times a week and took slimming pills. oh the money i wasted. I even swam everyday. Still, i continued to gain weight. These cousins said must be got to do with my diet. Hello, i exercised and i ate normal 3 meals.

Becos of the abuse i subjected my body, i suffered the conseq starting in JC. I had gastric and bloating problems and there were times i cun eat, but i still cont'ed to put on weight. I would have stomach flu and food poisoning, and unlike the normal indiv who loses weight, i nv lost a single kg. Depression set in and i even cut myself when these relatives made more comments about weight gain. However finally, all the medical problems really scare me and gave me a wake-up call, along with the chatitising of those who really cared for my health not my weight.

I stopped trying to lose weight and just learn to be happy with myself. But these ppl wun let up. They dun know a fricken thing about what happened in those years of my battered body and spirit. So they ASSUMED.

Fucking smart alecks. Did i forget to add superficial inane beings?

These days, i'm happier and more accepting of myself but these ppl hasn't changed since my sec school days, which is like 10 years ago.. I have moved on but their perception of thin=beauty still sticks. Stimes i wanna laugh out loud when i think about what they think, it's okay to be ugly but not fat. Fucking funny la.

Open your eyes and look out to the society out there idiots. Your age does not belie your maturity.

I am plus size but I am a healthy plus sizer. And i'm gonna throw this in your face. I'm an independent plus sizer. Even when not working, I dun think of asking my parents for pocket money and give me handouts. I survive on my savings. but u can't even afford to pay for your own wedding and education and even dates. Who's the real loser here? HAHAHA.

I really had alot more to say tonight but the environment (with kids around) is seriously not suitable. Plus i'm thinking for your pride. If u have any.

Then also, i felt even more angry thinking of the inane comments made to hurt my cousin. About how it's all her fault her bro is estranged from her. That coming from the mouth of another inane male cousin. Her own bro. How she does not invite said bro-in-question to the yearly gatherings. BTW, said bro-in-question prevents his son from keeping in touch with us after listening to his wife that we are all out to curse their family. WTF right. If you really wanna do some good, then why dun u do the inviting? And mend the bridges between them? Some people really dun check their brains before they open their mouths to speak. And said cousin is a father for heaven's sake. He has beautiful daughters that i hope would not be contaminated by him.

I just have to be content in the knowledge that like my cousin says, Every family has their own set of difficulties. Even though i continue to wonder, why are the men in my families so childish and immature for their age? Save maybe for my uncle who is able to bring up 6 children despite his weird temperament. My aunt was the loveliest and strongest woman, how did she give birth to such immature guys? *scratches head*

Doesn't take an Einstein to figure that i'm certainly in no hurry to rush down the aisle yet with the calibre of guys we have here.

I enjoy the destress writing offers me, the avenue where i can vent and it cannot answer me back, abit like talking to Bibi, but of cos he comes with emotions as well.

I'm actually pretty sick of people recently, and this is one sentiment considering that i dun even have a lot of friends to begin with, and i dun even go out with alot people.

Or maybe, i could just be sick of facing people cos i dunno how to face myself lately.

I'm feeling like a dishrag of late, mopping up the sick and vomit people (not necessarily direct at me) throw at me recently, and i'm tired of discerning.

I'm confused cos i feel like my values about friendship have been trodden too much in the dirt lately, as if the way I communicate and interact and let friends into my life is all wrong.

And it does not help that in SOME instances (not all), this has been proven right. And in my effort to be more wary, i just keep to myself again.

it's fucking unhealthy i know it and i dun like it.

i wish my values would stop being questioned and i would be proven right, like, given the green light through all the stages.

i'm sad and i feel like crying and shouting it out and complain/whine to someone but i know it is no use and i dun have such a person i can totally trust my emotions with anyway so i just turn to this only avenue, hoping that i can sort my feelings this way.

And channelling all my energies into finding a good-paid job cos i need security in something and i think the only security i can derive from now is cold hard cash.

Sad but true, cos, who dun need money? at least this period taught me about this. I dun blame people for not being more understanding of my financial limitations (unlike Y who feels they should pay for me knowing my situation - now that's another point of argument) becos money is a sensitive issue afterall and i am not her. My friends are not hers. They do not have to pay for me. I keep convincing myself this and yet, her accusatory tone still rings loud and clear. sigh.

I'm glad in a way this happened cos it gives me the motivation to find a job asap so i dun have the reason to bum around for too long. Cos when my finances run low, my panic increases and I would feel the urge to wanna up the bank balance.

i have to keep reminding myself that nobody has any reason to give my grief over the things i do and choose not to do but its damn hard ya. Cos i'm still struggling not to let these same people affect me the way they do. I was not born the just-do-it-and-just-let-it-go way and i should not be forced to be cultivated like that.

I really think i'm better off as a hermit at times. Since i'm feeling slighted and misunderstood so often, it doesn't seem people are v good for me eh? Days of meditation in a isolated valley suddenly sounds like a whole lot appealing.

In the meantime, whilst i still survive here, i can make these few NY resolutions:

1. Continue cultivating the independence,
2. Scream a bit more and
3. Expect very little, to the point of zilch, especially of people i care for the most. (cos then the disappointment is a whole lot lesser)

greatly saddened and angered by some things happening at home.

i hope i will find it in me to stand up.