new stuff..

Um yeah.. i know it's ages since i blogged.. but then really ah.. since work started, my life's been pretty routine.. like work, home, eat, sleep, work, hanging out with family, friends, doing my own stuff... it's like pretty mundane? heh.. i'm thinking of taking up some new course or skill too.. before my brain goes into dormant mode. hehz. thinking of taking up tennis lessons.. hope plans with sha comes through.

so here's my updates thus far..=)

:: Inked ::

Yeppers!! I finally gone ahead and got inked. I been wanting to do it for sometime.. thought of doing it on my birthday this year as my birthday gift to myself. But then i don't really know where to go do it. It's my first tattoo and so must be nicely done.. So waited for my sister to find us a tattoo artist first. She found one through her friend. Mentally prepared myself for a week, finding designs i liked from online and went to do it.

:: Choosing the design... ::
Rihanna's trail-of-stars tattoo.. it's like sooo coool!! i really wanna do this at first if not for the fact that it's at a place where i can't really hide (the back of the neck.. even with collared-tees, can't fully hide too) and hence inappropriate for my work nature. Then the tattoo artist also said that the smaller the tattoo (these are tiny stars), the more painful it is. For a first time, without a gauge of the pain of tattooing, i dun really wanna put myself through the torture. He also said that though it's nice-looking, but it's not nai-kan and doesn't have much meaning attached to it (true)..


SOOO COOOL la.. Rihanna rocks!


This was the other design i printed out.. I fell in love with this when i first found it online, and i decided that if the trail-of-stars dint go through, this would be my choice. I liked it for its simplicity and cuteness and also the fact that there are five stars (to represent the 5 ppl in my family as well as it being my lucky number--my sis initially asked if i wanted to colour it white and red and add in a moon as well.. blearghz -_- ! ). However i dint want the dots around the stars (like so kindergarten-ish "i'm a shining star"?? no no no). I took a long time deciding how i want my star to look(my sis got tired of waiting for me to make up my mind... but this is for life!! so dint care, took time to think through it. ). Initially the tattoo artist showed me how it would look like without the swirls and with shading around the stars (cos i wanted a shooting star effect) but i felt the stars look too individualistic by themselves and would not fit into my representation for my family, so i decided to leave the swirls in as per the tattoo (i do like swirls anyway, v dreamy mystical effect) so the stars would look connected=)


Here goes.. taken right after the tattooing. My first star tattoo. Very red around the edges of the stars still due to the shading.


Under lesser light..


I'm loving my star tattoo!!


Tattooing isn't as bad as it appears to be, i mean the pain. It's very bearable. In my opinion, hardly painful at all. And this is coming from a person who's terrified of injections. I find tattooing less painful than an injection seriously. But also, it's got to do with the place u choose to tattoo on. I did it on my right shoulder. Whilst tattooing, my sis and i also asked the tattooist which are the places on your body where it's more painful to tattoo. He said the most painful are behind the ear (v popular place) and the lower waist/hip area.

With regards to the skill.. hmmm, actually upon closer look at the pictures, i feel my stars are not done very nicely. This is also with my sis' opinion. She also dint know his skill, till after our tattoos are done. For example, actually I wanted to see if he could do Rihanna's star design for me down my shoulder, as i really liked it loads, but he can't do it (sigh). Of course, have to take into consideration orientation of the design and all la, but i feel a more skilled tattooist would be able to give me more opinions/alternatives. And the place does not have internet access, i mean, what if your customer wanna looks for designs online? Plus he does not have any star tattoos in his folders of tattoo designs (which i found strange, since i thought the star symbol is one of the more popular tattoo designs). If i hadn't brought mine down, i would not have been able to do my tattoo. In any case, i knew i wanted to do it that day as i have already mentally prepared myself for a week, and i knew if i dint do it that day, i would not have the courage to go ahead with it again. So ultimately, all in all, for a first-timer, i'm glad i did it, unproportionate star and all=). but will DEFINITELY go touch it up elsewhere along with my sis. This time, we would do our homework better.

Another thing i have to add is, tattooing is pretty addictive. I'm already thinking what design i want to do next, though placement of the tattoo can be headachy due to my job. But i'm sure i'll work it out!

This also got me hooked on Miami Ink, a show about a group of tattoo artists from Miami and the ppl who go to them for tattooing. Von was the one who told me abt this show actually. This group of tattooists are highly talented, and v nice ppl. they would also create their own tattoo designs and the money they get from the sale of the designs, they would give it all away to a group of poor, rural farmers living on the outskirts. V nice lor.. dun stereotype these people. For them, tattooing is a form of art. Their clients come in with life stories and the significance of their tattoos.. i think sometimes, their work is almost similar to mine, listening to others' life stories.

:: Outings ::

And of cos my outings with my lovelies!!

:: Happy Birthday to my sweetie flo ::



Had a lovely buffet dinner at The Line for her celebration.. one of the best nights i have had of their buffet. Note: Thursday buffet is pricier but nicer.. worth every cent. Hope my sweet gal enjoyed it.

:: Ubin cycling with the uni clique ::




Took a day leave and went cycling with the uni clique.. been ages since we caught up and we could all make it that day!! yayy!! It's my first time on Ubin and cycling there is really much tougher.. i simply cant handle the steep slopes and they have to wait for me.. ooops. we had much much fun cam-whoring and chatting at one of the jetties (cant rem the name) and watching the planes. Very relaxing day...

:: Food's always nicer when u have a foodie friend who loves her food!! ::



Sha's appetite for food and life has always been amazing.. i have never ceased to be amazed by her zest for it since OCBC days.. haha. Eating with her is always fun.. cos she really just packs it all away in what i call her "elastic stomach".. it's like never full one. FUN day chowing down $0.99 delish plates of sushi at Suki Sushi and orgasming over choc fondue at Andersons Denmark Ice-cream cafe at AMK Hub with her. And of cos even more fun chatting and joking around.

:: Comfort day ::



Met my sweet babe for Mamma Mia The Movie and comfort food, xiao long baos at Tamp Mall after purchasing my bed (the stock finally arrived!!) at Ikea.. Just a laid back day, sinking into old-school music, back to the ABBA generation.. Meryl Streep was great at her age, playing the role with much energy and oomph! And ahhh.. COLIN FIRTH.. so darned cute can.. and who can beat the charm of ex-007, Pierce Brosnan. He just got that charisma that younger stars do not possess nowadays.

Signing off with a collage of Bibi.. he's just so cute that day and i cun resist camwhoring with him.. Nan de he's so cooperative too!=)

Imma feeling like i achieved alot today, standing at one of the peaks of my work with youths thus far. today had 3 sessions-2 joint sessions and 1 individual, and each session gets progressively better and more fruitful towards the end of the day.. The icing on top of the cake came in the form of my last individual session with my youth, he's really my "pride in GP", as i told my colleague, so so proud of his progress in the program thus far.

Really feeling on top of the world tonite=)

I gotta go sleep soon.. tomorrow gotta wake up at an ungodly hour for Professional Seminar organised by our organisation.. so just leave yall with some happie photos of fooood...

On one of my time-off days, treated my sweet mum and sis to Fish & Co. Having the ability to treat my darl family is a real happiness for me.

::All-Time Favourite Fish & Co. at AMK Hub::

Feng's mushroomy soup.. never tried before. main reason is that my Seafood platter is usu more than enuff for me to order anythg else..


Feng's mussels fettucine(?).. tasty even for s1 like me who dun like cream base pasta.


shared my all-time fave with my mum.. she was shocked at the amt.. haha


another all-time fave.. Jungle freeze.. refreshing bits of rambutan and lychee mixed into it..


loving the hot choc cake with oozing sauce accompanied by ice-cold ice cream..


my sweet sis..


mum and me..


argh.. i really need to get down to exercising again soon.

happier times...

been told my entries are getting emo recently. Actually i dun really think so, cos i haven't really unleash the full emotions. maybe i'm just wanting to be a coward now and avoid it. maybe i'm thinking, if they dun care, why should i always be the one caring? maybe i really dun want to feel angry and sad but pride holds me back, maybe i wanna give in again but i think, why should i cheapen my own emotions and sweep everything under the carpet and pretend that everything's alright? maybe just this once, i just feel like sticking to my own guns, as much discomfort it is giving me cos i'm so used to saying sorry and giving in first. Maybe i just want to account to myself just this once.

Actually why so many maybes? Even if i think to death about the topic, there isn't any point. It's just this way sometimes. nobody's really at fault anyway cos we all have our own opinions about the way things have happened. And humans being selfish humans, are most, scratch that, all the time just too preoccupied with their own problems and forgetting that others have their problems as well. Oh of course being in my profession i shun be saying that, but then, social workers are human too.

It's probably more time-conducive to think about how i can make myself happier, so here goes... long overdue cartload of pix over the past month.


FOOOOODDD.... i been in a pasta craze and had lurvely friends who brought me to great pasta places....
At Delight and Delicious, sharon's bf is co-owner of this kopitiam stall that's slowly gaining popularity (been featured in a paper!!). Hidden away in a kopitiam at Tiong Bahru.. Abundant amount of seafood with my pasta--credits to sharon's presence hahaha..


seafood pasta at BakerzInn.. Virgin try there with ZT.. very very good.. the sauce lingers long after i cleaned the plate.


Comforting hot chocolate. ZT's... love the dish and artfully arranged marshmallows with dusting of chocolate powder.


Adorable desserts served tapas-style..


Warm classic choc cake with orgasmic hot chocolate sauce flowing from within... served with vanilla ice-cream interestingly shaped like a leaf..


at the only outlet of Kim Gary's in Spore.. at Vivo City.. Huge servings of Hong Kong delights for extremely reasonable prices.


at a Shanghai cafe.. beautifully arranged cereal prawns.. a tad too oily for my liking though.


SUPER big xiao long bao!! Gotta drink the tasty soup with a straw.. i never get tired of my xiao long baos... comfort food.


Fondue'ed strawberries at The Line @ Shangrila. Ma family's fave buffet place.


a sweet home-baked chocolate muffin from a nice colleague.


::Da food partners-in-crime::








::Randomness::

an unplanned-for fuschia day in the office..


the puppy got neutered and his recovery process was a period of torment for us.. haveta cope with his moodiness, swollen eyes and pain when we applied his medicine.. Almost felt bad for sending him for the op, but it's necessary for his good health in future..


Interesting collage done by a group of kids at a forum i haveta attend..

I will still cry

CRY
Rihanna

I'm not the type to get my heart broken, im not the type to get upset and cry
cause i'll never leave my heart open never hurts me to say goodbye
relationships dont get deep to me never got that whole enough thing
and someone can say they love me truly but at the time it didn't mean a thing

my mind is gone im spinning round and deep inside my tears i'll drown
i'm losing grip what's happening i stray from love this is how i feel

this time was different felt like I was just a victim
and it cut me like a knife when you walked outta my life
now i'm in this condition and I've got all the symptoms
of a girl with a broken heart but no matter
what you'll never see me cry

did it happen when we first kissed cause it's hurting me to let it go
maybe cause we spend so much time and I know that it's no more
I shoulda never let you hold me baby maybe why im sad to see us apart
I didnt give it to you on purpose gotta figure out how you stole my heart

my mind is gone i'm spinning round and deep inside my tears i'll drown
i'm losing grip what's happening I stray from love this is how I feel

this time was different felt like I was just a victim

and it cut me like a knife when you walked outta my life
now i'm in this condition and I've got all the symptoms
of a girl with a broken heart but no matter
what you'll never see me cry

how did I get here with you i'll never know
and never meant to let it get so personal
and after all I tried to do to stay away from loving you
i'm broken hearted i can let you know
and i wont let it show, you wont see me cry

this time was different felt like I was just a victim
and it cut me like a knife when you walked outta my life
now i'm in this condition and I've got all the symptoms
of a girl with a broken heart but no matter
what you'll never see me cry

this time was different felt like i was just a victim
and it cut me like a knife when you walked outta my life
now i'm in this condition and i've got all the symptoms
of a girl with a broken heart but no matter
what you'll never see me cry, all my life

********

This doesn't seem to concur with me. When i first heard the song, i feel like it's such a fighter-ish sort of song.. ya know, never cry.. but these past 2 months, even if it's one of the most stabilised periods for me, emotional-wise, i recognise that i would cry no matter what.

I would cry when i'm feeling down and alone.

I would cry when a sad show pricks my tear buds.

i would cry when someone uses harsh or angry words. (cos i blardy hate noise and quarrels)

I would cry when i'm hurt.

Although the past 2 months has been a happening period filled with happy special moments (at least for me-birthday, convo and many family moments), it has also been a period of awakening, of crying for me otherwise. Becos there are just too many things to learn and comprehend, to stress over, to be angry over, to be given a sharp awakening to, to be hurt over at one time. And what else can i do except to cry and try to pick up the pieces by myself? Everyone's just too absorbed with their own set of problems.

Well at least, i can count my blessings in having the happy family moments balance out the unhappy otherwise moments.=)

Ever since that time 3 years ago, i have never had another awakening as such till now.

At least lesson learned at this point is: I know i just gotta pick up the pieces of my heart by myself no matter what.

I just stop expecting or hoping for anyone to care enough to do so anymore. Realistically, life is just like that. And although i won't stop crying, I know I'll grow stronger with each tear as a stepping stone. I won't shed them for nothing.

I saw something on the bus today that made my day... at such close proximity too. Happy. I was asked why dun i take one step forward. But i think, there are just some things in life, that when kept a mystery, just gives you that little idealistic illusion and happiness, so why not? Remembering all the hurts which exposion may bring, I'm happy now just at one glance, one look.

That suddenly led to another chain of thought, that in the face of love, nothing else matters. I just suddenly thought of when someone is in love, he/she can make all kinds of sacrifices in terms of time and priorities alignment for his/her special someone. But I haven't seen it happen in friendships. Maybe in others, not mine. Maybe that's the way of life? *shrugs* i'm just making the statement based on observations of people around me, whether they matter to me or not. I guess I don't have the chance yet to see if it'll happen to me, not having really been in a proper relationship before. I can safely say for now, what sacrifices i had made for the ones i crushed on, i made on for friends as well.

Haiz. I shd just keep the unhappy thoughts at bay and focus on the simple little happinesses that keep me happy=)

It is so much easier to say I Don't Care, but in my heart, i know how weighed down it feels...

Haiz.. i keep trying to reflect what i have written, and finding the answers within myself.. Finding the answers is so important to me, but then they keep evading me..

So i guess i fall into the snare of what others do.. just bury into work.

At least for 8-12 hours a day, i know i need not think about anything else. Or maybe if i dun need to, it might just go away some day.. the hurt, the confoundedness, the puzzlement.

On the work front, things hasn't been exactly all good and going-- i guess it's when i'm starting to really feel the heat and chase deadlines. But the preoccupied-ness it provides me is a safety blanket for now from the tears and questions.

But still, I know how to shut down when i need to. I know when my mind is tired and need the rest, but then the questions would drift in, and then i try to switch back to work-mode again.

Haiz. If only life isn't about searching for answers... within self or otherwise.

I had a few pleasant comforts in the past 2 weeks, sweet gifts--decorative pots of honey from Spanish Culture from the OCBC group! (thankew!! it's really sweet and lovely.. i oredi tried some.. very nice. a colouring book and pencils from ZT, thanks!! for bringing me back to childhood and reliving the happier days of NUS tger! And my my my, we had such an orgasmic experience at Bakerzinn. They really deserve their reputation for their quality desserts!! I can faint thinking back on the warm chocolate cake now..

Too lazy to upload pics now.. another time bahz..

love and stars...

when i need to reflect...

A few years ago, when i made that major move and change in my life, i told myself never to shortchange myself again. To be upfront in how i feel, and to learn to live independently.

And then i realise i nv really change.

I had problems with my family then. Ran to friends for comfort. grateful to friends for being there during my low period, and hence always v accomodating towards them. Always compromising. Always thinking about repaying them back for having been there.

And now when i have problems with my friends, turned to my family. and the story goes on..

I think i nv really learn to stand on my own feet and really ask what i am living for.

Friends' words/advice/harsh reprimands influenced me. Family's words/harsh words humbled me. Too easily swayed. Giving too much. Martyr-like. are just some of the comments i have heard too much and rings clearly in my ears. Sometimes i refuse to listen, cos harsh words sting. Sometimes i make excuses.

Living teaches me many lessons. And being a kinesthetic learner, i often need to experience it to learn for myself. This is when all my expectations of others bounced back to me and gives me a few tight slaps in the face and hard shakes.

The lesson is: I forgot to live for myself. Self-reflections and learning slowly to love and laugh at myself apart, i forgot who/what i'm living for. I forgot to be simply me.

I think this is why this week has been a huge disappointment to me. Becos i am always accomodating. always understanding. always compromising. "it's okay, i und u are busy" "it's okay, no cake oso never mind" "it's okay it's okay it's okay"...
I have typed so many of this that it has become a habit. It's okay. If my friends were there for me in my roughest period, i should recipocrate everything and understand them. I just continue to make excuses. Whilst in my heart of hearts, i am starting to feel taken-for-granted, but i tell myself not to have such disloyal thoughts. Surely my friends are really v busy. Surely they have a very good reason not to be around.

I keep making excuses for them during those important dates (dates that are really important to me; dates they do not deem too important but i have on several occasions related how important it is to me. Like my birthday. I said before i feel how important a birthday is. Out of 365 days in a year, only that 1 special day is yours, so you should be made to feel special from the beginning to the end, cos it's your special day.. i know many do not concur with me on this, but it's important to me. Weeks before its day, i can feel the delicious vibes in me.. I smile when a few special people smsed me at least 1-2weeks before the day to ask me what i would like, which day they want to meet me to celebrate. It means alot. Becos it's a sign to me that these special people treated my day as special enough to want to plan beforehand what to get me, how to celebrate my birthday. Unfortunately, these special people varies from year to year. One or two remains. the rest varies depending on their busy-ness? Or how much value they place on birthdays.)

Unfortunately, i cannot say i am lucky enough to have someone who was there at all my "Special Days" all these years. The Special Days that demarked your milestones. Your 16th, your Sec school grad ball, your JC grad ball, your 21st, your Convocation, your birthdays. I have had friends who had friends who were at least there for at least 2-3 of these milestones. I had none. Not one friend, not those that i considered special and close to my heart who were there to celebrate at least at least 2-3, especially the last 3, since the last 3 were where i met my special few friends. My sister was in disbelief when my close friends weren't there for my 21st, and again the same disbelief displayed on her face 2 days ago during my convocation and not 1 special friend turned up. Her words "Your convo is once-in-your-lifetime. Yet not one of your friends even come down" were like cold water to my brain.

Before that, i was already greatly disappointed that those i asked/told of my convo date, all used the excuse of work. Really disappointed. Admittedly, i did not ask many. To me, milestones are meant to be celebrated with special ones, special ones that have walked with you. Perhaps, a puny little thing like a Convocation really does not mean anything in the face of bigger issues like work. I know people who find it a waste of time, let alone bosses of corporations or institutions who would allow their employees to take off just "because i want to attend my friend's convocation". They would probably stare at their employees with the same disbelief on my sister's face and say "you got to be kidding".

Yet, in my heart of hearts, i still hoped. I still hope that maybe, just maybe, i matter enough, my special day hold some significance enough, that they'll put down their afternoon work (for the teachers), their meetings (for the corporates) to just spare 1-2 hours to come down and share in my joy, take pictures with me and walk that final step together. Surely, after all these years of friendship, stresses of Uni life, what we went through together, it matters enough?

Even then, i was making excuses for them. Convo is just a small thing. I still have my gown. We can still take pics together. i am the last in my batch/group of friends to have my convocation. It's too far-fetched (1 year ago for heaven's sake!) for them to consider it important enough. But through the excuses i kept making, i was just shedding tears non-stop, cos what came out strongly was: I JUST DON'T MATTER ENOUGH.

I was truly disappointed. I rem last year when i attended 2 friends' convo, they said they would definitely come for mine. Cos they were touched i came for theirs. Esp for a friend who had no friends coming at all, i even rem her mum thanking me for coming down! i rem another one who told me she would be able to take leave, only to message me (albeit it being the wrong date as well) one day before to wish me a happy convo and that she wun be able to attend. The words 'empty promises' just keep regurgitating in my head. It is so easy to be caught up in the heat of the moment, to be touched, and then to make promises. Then they become promises that u forgot, and then expect me to understand silently not verbally that it's becos of WORK.

So tired. I held on to the hope of promises. Yet time and again, i'm disappointed. I shd have learnt my lesson way back then during my 21st party for the special few..

I think the tight slaps came harder this period. In the past, i just automatically switch my mind to the "Make excuses for them" mode. Come on shuling! They were there for you umpteenth times!! they were there during your down periods, how can u ji jiao with them on this? In my mind i kept telling myself not to. But all the more i do, i'm only reminded of how much of a failure of a friend i must be: that I am not special enough to even have a friend to attend what i consider special for myself.

Hold it. Scratch that. Not a failure. More like, i think i have expectations. Expectations of recipocrations. She matters enough to me that i wanna attend her convo. She matters enough that i wanna make her birthday special for her. I will still go to the place after work (even if it means a big detour) to make sure she gets her gift in time for her bday, in front of her group of friends. No cake for birthday? No problem, my treat. I wanna make u feel special. So i expect the same back cos i thought i meant enough.

I think what i need is actions. Actions speak louder than words after all. If my convo is of any significance, not attending one work meeting isn't going to have the world coming to a stop becos u weren't present. If yall want to cele my bday for me, yall dun have to wait till the day itself, till 10pm to get the cake. Shops close at 10pm, isn't that common knowledge? If it means anything, why do i even have to organise my own birthday outing? That is what i find ludicrous. I was arranging MY own freaking birthday outing becos the rest wants to avoid the hassle of finding a common date/went MIA. I even had to physically stop myself after a while and ask myself why i am even doing this in the first place. I mean, it's my blardy birthday. And i had no presents, treats and i freaking still needa arrange another one to make sure everyone's around to celebrate? Freak.

Maybe i expect too much. But now, i just learn, expectations is basal in any form of relationship. Without expectations, why does the relationship even exist in the first place? Can just relegate to being "hi-bye" acquaintances.

Wait check that. Now, I don't even think I am expecting too much or alot. What i am expecting is only minimal. Maybe cos i have been making excuses too long, my mind is too attuned to that.

Shall feel guilty no more. I shall accomodate, compromise, understand no more. No longer weak. No longer bending to harsh reprimands..

I believe then if i successfully learn to be that, and i still have friends standing by me, then these are truly the ones who love me for all i am, and most importantly, love me for me.

If not, then as my sister says"friends can be made everywhere".

**I come to realise that at my "Special Days", the only ones who were there throughout was only my family. My 21st, my convo. The dinner party whipped up by my sis, the Kate Spade bag, the iPod--for my 21st. The bouquet they asked my cousin to wrap (and my cousin even said "No need to give too big la, her friends surely give", but then haha, irony. ), the Precious Moments gift and handmade card they prepared to give me from long ago--for my Convo. I think i will continue to have alot of problems communicating with them and maybe even living with them at times, personality clashes alot, but the one thing i learned from my sister is, no matter how dissatisfied or angry or conflicts we have, she always give to her family first. No matter what clashes we have, i know my family loves me best. Even if they don't show it in the ways i prefer, they are always always there. Seeing my sisters burst in front of me with a huge bouquet and a prettily wrapped gift really fills up the holes of disappointment left by empty promises of others. Was so touched i wanted to cry again, but gotta take pics=)

**I had only just began to try out my new lessons in my work.. and i hope perhaps this fresh slate is what i need for a breakthrough.

This sardonic, blatant entry will end off with pics from my convo:



Finally i can put on the mortar board..=)


my darling mum


my surprise






my eternal supporters..


she's a social worker. she could take one afternoon off changing people's lives to come down for her friends' convo. she only worked with me for 1 month plus during my placement. and she remembered i graduated. And she even had a flower for me. irony of life really. those who matter dun care. those who dun matter cared.


i used to call her my "bao", cos she's just so cute and pinchable! The only regret i had in Social Work. That i dint stick out in the society and shared more memories with her, shihui and the rest. That i gave in to peer pressure and opted out. Now Peer Pressure's my fave topic in groupwork=P


Sunflowers in a row.. more glowing smiles behind the flowers!


Shihui...


Pearline.. ever so pretty


Melisa.. ever so friendly.. me? isolated dodo..


My surprise gifts..=...) touched. handmade card includes words from mummy!! as well as lil sis. and the cute precious moments figurine sitting in front of me now.. haha she's wearing a gown studded with stars and carrying a dog!! So me!! as declared by my sistaz.. I carrying Bibi!!


How can my celebration be complete without the silly dog? too bad can't bring him to the ceremony.. never mind, still got family portrait!