I enjoy the destress writing offers me, the avenue where i can vent and it cannot answer me back, abit like talking to Bibi, but of cos he comes with emotions as well.

I'm actually pretty sick of people recently, and this is one sentiment considering that i dun even have a lot of friends to begin with, and i dun even go out with alot people.

Or maybe, i could just be sick of facing people cos i dunno how to face myself lately.

I'm feeling like a dishrag of late, mopping up the sick and vomit people (not necessarily direct at me) throw at me recently, and i'm tired of discerning.

I'm confused cos i feel like my values about friendship have been trodden too much in the dirt lately, as if the way I communicate and interact and let friends into my life is all wrong.

And it does not help that in SOME instances (not all), this has been proven right. And in my effort to be more wary, i just keep to myself again.

it's fucking unhealthy i know it and i dun like it.

i wish my values would stop being questioned and i would be proven right, like, given the green light through all the stages.

i'm sad and i feel like crying and shouting it out and complain/whine to someone but i know it is no use and i dun have such a person i can totally trust my emotions with anyway so i just turn to this only avenue, hoping that i can sort my feelings this way.

And channelling all my energies into finding a good-paid job cos i need security in something and i think the only security i can derive from now is cold hard cash.

Sad but true, cos, who dun need money? at least this period taught me about this. I dun blame people for not being more understanding of my financial limitations (unlike Y who feels they should pay for me knowing my situation - now that's another point of argument) becos money is a sensitive issue afterall and i am not her. My friends are not hers. They do not have to pay for me. I keep convincing myself this and yet, her accusatory tone still rings loud and clear. sigh.

I'm glad in a way this happened cos it gives me the motivation to find a job asap so i dun have the reason to bum around for too long. Cos when my finances run low, my panic increases and I would feel the urge to wanna up the bank balance.

i have to keep reminding myself that nobody has any reason to give my grief over the things i do and choose not to do but its damn hard ya. Cos i'm still struggling not to let these same people affect me the way they do. I was not born the just-do-it-and-just-let-it-go way and i should not be forced to be cultivated like that.

I really think i'm better off as a hermit at times. Since i'm feeling slighted and misunderstood so often, it doesn't seem people are v good for me eh? Days of meditation in a isolated valley suddenly sounds like a whole lot appealing.

In the meantime, whilst i still survive here, i can make these few NY resolutions:

1. Continue cultivating the independence,
2. Scream a bit more and
3. Expect very little, to the point of zilch, especially of people i care for the most. (cos then the disappointment is a whole lot lesser)

greatly saddened and angered by some things happening at home.

i hope i will find it in me to stand up.