My Time. My Words. My Own.

"我又不能帶你飛上天堂 何必說感謝 我也只能改變我的信仰
我又不能影響我的磁場 不必要感謝 我也只能試煉我的堅強
我又不能回報你的善良 何必說感謝 我也只能成全你的夢想
誰又真能答應地久天長 承諾太美難免狡猾 誰說過
保持清醒等待迷惑 誰說過？ 能夠灑脫因為忘我 誰說過
是誰說這些 寧願愛錯不要錯過 誰說過 因為自由所以寂寞
誰說過 只有如果沒有結果 誰說過 是誰說這些"

random lyrics from an old Daniel Chan song

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What can I say? When the days are just filled with work, home, hanging out with family and friends, there isn't much physical activities I can update on right? But the routine days leave me with enough time to reflect upon my life. I'm absolutely grateful that my workplace places so much emphasis on quality work that we are not tied down with the boggling overwork that seems to claim the fate of many in the same field, and even those outside of my field. So grateful that this allows me the luxury of putting my work behind me when the day is over, and just relax over mindless TV shows over dinner and maybe sit down to a book and a mug of hot tea or tidy and re-arrange my stuff in my cosy room, or just allowing me the time to mull over... stuff.

My life has much dwindled to hanging out with those selected few... whilst those having their exams disappear for that short span of time. Argued with my cousin that night over having only these selected few in my life. Why do I only go out one-on-one each time with a friend? Why not other friends together? Why not a whole group? My reply was i'm contented with these few. Having too many doesn't equate to many more true friendships i can count on thank you very much. She felt i was too close-minded and that I was being childish and I am just closing opportunities and being a froggy in the well for my thinking. Well. *shrugs* To each his/her own. My experiences have just been made up of too many of such friendships that got too close and then take away a piece of your heart and thereafter leave you in the cold without so much a backward glance. So i would much rather just focus on those who count. Out with quantity. The old is still gold.

I discovered that as time goes by, as stuff happens, i grew more comfortable in expressing my own opinions and less bothered with hurting another's feelings(though it's a job requirement as some of yall might know). One good thing that came out of me being in the job is my increasing level of self-awareness. It enforces my "no one is going to look out for you ultimately, you gotta count on yourself" theory.

That brings me to the next topic much explored this month for some reason--maybe it's a connecting topic for girls. Many a colleague and the boss herself asked if I ever thought to settle down in future. *Ponders*. Also asked healing balm and floflo about it. At this point, the answer is no. Thought back to those days when i'll be super affected during those CNY gatherings and be asked if i got a significant other already, will stupidly feel unwanted and desperate. But with the increasing amount of self-awareness, support from my own significant others (you know who you are=)) and the increasing confidence in self due to all these support, the negative feelings faded with time. The answer is no now because i feel i still have much about myself to discover, a long journey of these discoveries to make, the steps towards success i hope to achieve in my own little working field. I cannot deny all these are also coupled with the fact that i'm disillusioned with those who have chosen to give up friendship over love. I have friends who can still make the balance between love and friendship very well, so i don't think there's any excuse for those who can't. Frigging weak excuse i say, and an inexplicable end to the seemingly-close-but-heartbreakingly-fragile friendships we used to have. While i understand that there's a change in life-stage and a change in single staus to "in-a-relationship", i cannot understand that the friendship has to take such a big backseat that you might as well have been strangers in the first place.

Oh yeah, i have become unforgivable in that way. But *shrugs*. I STILL have those who count. That's my priceless treasure.

Then despite the answer being no, i won't reject going out and meeting new people. Rather stewpid of me to close my heart just cos of some frigging not-worth-it people dunch ya think?

That's my new level of self-awareness. I only hope my priceless treasures still love me for who i am, which i have no doubt they do=) hahahaha

Time is a miraculous healer. I love how as time goes by, my body and mind starts to self-heal on its own accord. Well that's also coupled with those priceless treasures' support and the fact that i know i am strong enough.

Whether it is bathing the silly dog, discussing the latest plot on TVB with sis dearest, sa-jiao-ing to mummy dear, watching cousin carefully packing the day's breakfast/lunch into separate containers, sitting at the Gloria Jeans @ Raffles City, or in the almost unnoticeable Cafe Revive in Centrepoint, with a soothing cup of tea, an ice-cream, comforting honey roasted ham chips, or aimless window-shopping, each is a true blessing i am still grateful for in my mundane life.

And with these new little discoveries, I leaped into May with a lighter heart and (a little) heavier pocket (yippees for the Labour Day surprise that made my family a happy one tonight!!)