I need people. But not this way.

Social Work's Day dinner

Oh yes it was great. Overwhelmingly so. and i meant that literally.

It was a sorta hit-you-in-the-face kind of shock to see soooo many of your kind packed into the same ballroom--60 tables no less. Compared to the Social Work's Day last year, this was like a blast.

I was really excited initially to see so many of my still-studying fellow social workie s there. It's seriously a great time to catch up.. to scream "Hieeeee" to those who seem to have been lost in the mountains of work social work is known for, and to those who are in the still-studying-going-to-grad phase. I was like really whooping every few minutes.. and sooo tempted to join a fellow social workie when she asked me to sit at her table.. but then.. i oso dunno why i dint.

But as the night dragged on with its less-than-impressive dishes (actually who is really there for the food anyway?), performances that were ignored as people continued to be engrossed in catching up, and the throes of people milling around, i started to get rather bewildered and really Overwhelmed. Haha. Think this is attributed to me not mingling with people for like eons.. i mean like alot alot of people.. I am not really a crowds-person.. and it comes to a point when i just feel lost. Minute-ish and then struggling to fit in.

Which is rather stupid of me i feel. Cos i forgot, i should just be myself right? The lost expression on me was not lost on others (oh come on, these people are social workers and read people like books)--why do u look so sad? who are you looking for?

Truth is, i was not looking for anyone in particular.. All these people amounted to no more than hi-byes to me... people that i know when the night ends, will return to their normal lifestyles as if the night never happens. They are a village. People we can turn to from time to time. People that have enabled me to feel warmth and a sense of belonging to in my social work study days. But yest, i felt no sense of belonging--maybe cos of the position i am--a new worker not yet familiarised totally with the company, an ex-student with many ties still left in school. neither here nor there. and i admit, i need a sense of belonging.

It was a sense of loss i felt as the night droned on--sitting at a table where i dunno 3/4 of the people.. looking on at the other side of the room where the social workies indulged in their crazy antics that only students are entitled to.

I guess, crowds really dun work for me. Missed my usual hang-out kakis where i can be myself and not dish out the necessary appropriate niceties. I need people, but not this way i guess. Even at this dinner, i just wish i had attended it with people who had made it through with me, people who i know and love well. Ah well, there's always a time for everything, so i guess i just need to learn to pull out all that i learn of social skills when the need arises.

Of course, for many, i'm sure it's a heartening occasion and will be remembered lingeringly and lovingly. It was for me, till it got too overwhelming and i just wanna run to somewhere where it's people-less (like kelong?) AH, that suits me better.

Absence from blog so long only to write another emo entry. Haiz. But then, as it's your freedom to read, so's my freedom to write. Ah well, really do wanna post pics. but den hor, today i'm lazy to wait for blogger's super slow uploading. So another time k?