It is difficult sometimes, when you know what you want and you try to relate it but people choose to dismiss u or don't give u the chance.

I guess at the end of the day, everyone is just selfish, taking care of their own interests.

Pop. Culture. Afternoon.

OMG. I'm totally in love with popcultureafternoon. Liz's style is totally to-die-for. I love her effortless way in pulling simple understated pieces today. Very chic, and her vintage pieces.. *faintz*

I have picked some of my fave pics of her here..







p.s. on the job search front, sac dint get back to me. But i have moved on. Like sha babe said, we aint young any longer.. and i cannot afford to rest on my laurels.. i gotta keep moving.. so i already got another work site and training lesson visit fixed for next week.. hope all goes well.. *fingers crossed*

i only wish ppl would stop asking me how is it going? why so long the delay? isn't it easy to find jobs in my field? I mean, my life isn't just about all this. I'm sure there are other topics to talk abt.. Plus interviewers are irritating enuff.. asking the same ques.. IF the job is so fab, why would i wanna leave? of cos there are reasons involved. And i'm sure u dun wanna me to talk badly of my prev employer right? This is basic courtesy.

But i guess it's hard for ppl in SG not to harp on this.. i mean it's ALL their lives. It's the only means too, where dreams can be fulfilled.

I need the money. To fulfill my dreams. And i am doing something about it. 'nuff said.

There are times i wonder why i chose to do social work (yep one of these emo times) when it requires interacting with ppl, advocating for ppl and basically great interaction and conversation skills. Then i remember, it isnt just all that. It's about making a difference to just one indiv's life, and i like how great that feeling feels. I rem the very first time, my p6 teacher talked to me, she was telling me how this classmate of mine wrote in one of our activities (personal sharing), that she feels better after talking to me and hearing my advice, and it made me feel good u know? it makes me feel like this is sth i could do.

(of cos theres also the fact SIA dun accept plus size gals, but tts beside the point haha)


So why oh why do i feel so inadequate, so out of place, or in piglet's words, "sticking out like a sore thumb" in this past week or so? I felt like everything i had learned, and experienced in the 2 yrs of studying and 2 yrs of work are like all thrown out again? And i'm being programmed to learn sth new (Perhaps this is why these few days 'Bad Romance' is on repeat mode on my playlist:go read The Vigilant Citizen's take on this video about being conditioned: it's apt). Like what i have done before doesn't seem to apply here. Like the little things i do doesn't seem to count. For eg, cos the students at the camp were tired and prolly not prepared to hear u rattle on, so i gave them lil postix to jot down their tots to 2 simple ques i gotta debrief on: my tot was i already done the debrief and i dun wanna repeat it over), then when i had to share during the facis' debrief, it's like.. inadequate or extra u know? Like my questions wasnt the way they wanted. Ok they were right, the journey is crafted in a way that each student had a diffnt takeaway, but why do i have to feel so extra doing it? i just wanted it to be comfy for the students, or have i been wrong?

I wish i would stop bothering with nitties gritties as such.

I love the time spent with the students (of cos some not all, i just dun think its possible that u could connect with all), i love joking and laughing with the gals, deep sharing with a couple gals, talking to some boys (somehow boys in the East side are like abit diffnt from what im used to in the North: a lil less judgmental, and i feel generally more relaxed).. i enjoy these little interactions. So why do i feel so inadequate in front of the adults? Like i cant connect even on a basic social level at all.

And i hate how the inadequacies made me doubt myself, the work i do. Or worse, spillover. I am awkward, quiet then. I know new environments will require adjusting to, getting used to, and i know once im past this stage, i'll be fine. But before that comes, i'm awkward, clumsy and stuck out like a sore thumb.

The only time i rem i wasnt like this was my time at ocbc (could be my haircut then tt gave me courage haha) or it could be when i'm with ppl who are less rah-rah, i'm naturally more open and confident. So why oh why does it have to be this way after tt?

There are quiet ppl ard too. This other faci, she's quiet too..... Okay STOP comparing already! See what i mean when i say i feel inadequate? I know i am not this way usually and i do have my own confidence in some areas, like working with girls and accessories.

I felt i have done to the best of my ability but why is this not internalised within me?

I was reading ohsofickle's blog and she wrote sth that struck a chord with me again:


I have to sleep but the thoughts, they'll keep running through my mind. Might do something stupid. So even though i was prolly 1 KM away from home, i got the uncle to turn back and headed to Nana. There, I felt weird. Out of place. With familiar faces around but none i know personally or talked to before. Sat there. Quietly. Joined in their lil drinking games and then i walked away...Hate the shy side of me. The side of me that can't seem to get along with anyone new.

And i tot she was one of the most outgoing and sociable gals with her truckload of friends. Maybe she is, but i think it does take common ground to really connect and be friends.

Like me with my babes. Like me with my gals talking abt boys and accessories and toys. Like me with sensitive boys talking abt abit more emo stuff.

This was one week of self-doubt, feeling inadequate and my esteem plunging a little. OR it could be a week of learning another side of me, of me needing to improve constantly. And it could be emo hormones too (my da yi ma coming, i feel sorry for piglet who have to endure my random smses when i'm emo, but her logical thinking is my best remedy. And of cos lovely sha who came down after work one day to acc me and flo for the company and advice too). The question is: Can I self-talk my way out of this?

After this week, i got to pick up the fallen pieces and tell myself this ISN'T all my life and convince myself of my strengths and remember the good work i done before again. Pretty tiring u know? i seem to be doing it all my life. I wonder when it'll ever end. When the bullets will stop penetrating my heart.

The only thing i know now is : i need validation for my work. I need the verbal n physical praise.

i just wrote a facebook email reply to linnea the great and i can't help but say this:

i miss working with my best partner and i miss the bitching days with piglet at xxx.

i hate the whole having to get-to-know-u-and-be-friendly thgie all over again.

Is....?

It is only the second day and i am feeling v v tired already.

And i am not even sitting in the office doing my planning cos i am not officially hired yet. (and i have my doubts i will be, cos when i am in the office yest, there were another 2 interviewees coming in for interview. Although i hrd they do not have the experience, still studying or just grad, but they may be cheaper to hire.

I dunno. I dun want to think about that first.

I just wanna think. Is this wad i wanna?

I am once again facing the crossroads, and this time, limitations of finances and job oppties out there is pressing me to make the decision. (unless i really do not get hired in the end) Fast.

If i still have a few K in my account balance, i think i can still afford to wait it out. But i dun. I need to build it all up again. And i am going to be 26 soon, with no finance buildup.

I dun want it this way.

I really like the oppties this job can offer me. the training oppties. the chance to really make my own mistakes and learn, as i have experienced it yest. This is something i did not have the chance to in my prev job, where i am picked up before i am even allowed to fall down. And i fully stand by the "the best way to learn is by falling down".

But i dunno if this is the work i wanna do. Sure, the training oppties are aplenty, and the way they enforced their teaching methods is v different and more results producing. and this is certainly a good chance to beef up my public speaking.

But i dun just wanna do training and workshops. And a little honesty here, i do hate camps.

I want to do counselling too. And i dunno how much this organization will give me. or if they will even give me at all.

Planning for a 2hour session is already taking its toll on me, i cant imagine how planning for a full day workshop is gonna be like.

Dun get me wrong. I think workshops are beneficial in their own ways, it's just that i dun endorse them, or rather, i do not enjoy running workshops cos i always feel i tend to miss ppl out, or that the effects i released isnt beneficial for all. I enjoy my small group counselling and indiv counselling cos i feel each child is so different and unique and i can do much more.

But i havent been getting what i wanna- have applied for children's home and p sch csllg but not successful. And i neeed a job.

The other way i look at it is, if i do eventually nab the job, i can make use of the training fund to beef up on my counselling skills which would be beneficial to me in the next organization i join.

that sounds like a good idea doesn't it? then i just gotta tough it out in the meantime.

This is wad happens when u know u gotta count on urself for everything. when there isnt a trust fund or plan u can depend on.

But i know i will eventually do it. I have been growing stronger year by year, and this is just gonna be another hurdle i gotta get through.

If i do not nab the job, then i gotta think of my next plan of action. fast.

If i have my own way, i would be a rich socialite. Or a talented fashion designer designing my own line and having a boutique.

But i just gotta stop with all these pipe dreams and be realistic. or when i save enuff money, probably the latter can still come true for me=)

chanting: I am young and i still have energy.. i am young and i gotta push on...