I don't think my work as a counsellor has to mean i have to be a counsellor 24/7.
Lately I reflected on this, thinking about what happened in the yesteryears, when my expectations of people failed to be met, when people failed to be there when I expect them to, and somehow, I am expected to be there? I dunno.. it's the feeling i get again, and I dun like it, so hola, gotta back up abit and let the lessons sink back to me. If i dun wanna have expectations, i got to stop giving like I got alot of myself to give see? fair.. I guess i work like that so gotta accept it. I gotta stop giving the vibe that i'm okay and always-ready when people always download on me. cos when the consequences set in, i dun think it's fair to blame others either for expecting too much and getting nothing in return.
Few people can give me positive vibes nowadays, so i just gotta keep surrounding myself with these positive vibes. God knows i need it, having been sucked dry for so many years.
My sis was right on several counts, why try so hard for people who dun give u back? it's not even about expecting rewards or expecting that someone will pay for you when u go out. It's just plain friendship, the whole when-i-am-down-you-are-there thgie. I have the lovelies who has seen the worst of me and stuck through. I also have those I dun think i can trust to be there in a heartbeat, so seriously, why bother?
If i can only stop myself from freely saying the words, "I'll be there for you" all the time. I mean it i know, when i say it. But I dun think i get many recipocraters, and frankly i'm tired.
They say friends dun talk about price. I say, just learn it the hard way.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
When all is said and done.
I was reading an interesting anecdote off a local celeb's blog, and it's probably interesting to me becos of the innate message that seems to apply to my close friends and me at this stage.
I was having dinner with a girlfriend and she told me how she is facing quarter-life crisis. I don’t know what that really means (I guess it’s not something everyone goes through and even if we do, it turns out differently). Hers is an empty sort of feeling, of not knowing what you are really pursuing that will complete your life.
I suggested that she probably needs a man. She denies.
Then maybe it’s romantic love she wants. She denies.
Gee, women are always in self-denial. Haha, it’s true! I admit to that sometimes. Hee hee…
She says she doesn’t want to have a serious relationship.
She says it’s tiring to get to know someone all over again.
True, but isn’t the lack of stability that’s really tiring? I mean, when you date around as opposed to having a serious relationship. And you keep having to introduce yourself to many people instead of spending time getting to know someone better. At the end of the name game, you realise you don’t really know anyone well, and they don’t really know you. Sort of like Alfie, who is rich on the outside but poor emotionally. (Alfie referring to that long ago movie in which Jude Law starred as a commitment-phobe guy.
I think this piece struck a chord in me becos of my recent meetups with my gals, and we seem to be revolving around this issue of an "empty sort of feeling, of not knowing what you are really pursuing that will complete your life", whether it's a situation in a work environment, boredom with what one is having and craving more, uncertainty over partners, etc. For myself, it is like facing a turnstile and not knowing which direction to go next.
I'm loving my break but yet, in some ways made to feel guilty for it. I should not have to say that at this age, and i do not want to name the people who make me feel guilty, cos i know i'm also one of those making myself feel that way. Perhaps it just comes from this socially-trained protocol to always be busy and lazing around is plain uselessness, but i cannot deny the fact too that in sg, money makes the society go around. And when my hands stop working, albeit some of my lovely generous babes, i still have financial constraints. haiz. such is the dilemma. Got work got money no energy to spend. No work no money cannot spend. Much as i would like to continue taking my well-deserved break, i'm already getting more than a few gentle reminders that i should be job-seeking. And i am. From a combination of gentle reminders and my own financial constraints.
Much as i long for a guilt-free long break, i know that in this time and age, it's highly impossible. I can only make do with what i have from my break and be grateful for it. I cannot say i'm grudging of this fact, cos i do fear of my skills going to waste and my brain matter decreasing from lack of usage for too long. However this is where i foresee myself in this stuck cycle. Work, then fearing a breakdown from stress and fatigue, then take a break, then face societal pressure, then find work again.
I can only hope my sanity remains with me till the end of my cycle. Otherwise, I can once again rely on the strength of those who understand me, and my own strength to get me by. Since i know i wanna be pretty self-reliant, i should get used to this cycle pretty soon. Till i find the strength to explore broader horizons, of which i'm sure will aid my stuck cycle crisis.
Nobody said growing up was easy, but more than this, i still wanna be grateful for my own little piece of blue sky and not whine too much about the current state of affairs i am in, cos i know i'm a survivor, and will rise above it all.
I was having dinner with a girlfriend and she told me how she is facing quarter-life crisis. I don’t know what that really means (I guess it’s not something everyone goes through and even if we do, it turns out differently). Hers is an empty sort of feeling, of not knowing what you are really pursuing that will complete your life.
I suggested that she probably needs a man. She denies.
Then maybe it’s romantic love she wants. She denies.
Gee, women are always in self-denial. Haha, it’s true! I admit to that sometimes. Hee hee…
She says she doesn’t want to have a serious relationship.
She says it’s tiring to get to know someone all over again.
True, but isn’t the lack of stability that’s really tiring? I mean, when you date around as opposed to having a serious relationship. And you keep having to introduce yourself to many people instead of spending time getting to know someone better. At the end of the name game, you realise you don’t really know anyone well, and they don’t really know you. Sort of like Alfie, who is rich on the outside but poor emotionally. (Alfie referring to that long ago movie in which Jude Law starred as a commitment-phobe guy.
I think this piece struck a chord in me becos of my recent meetups with my gals, and we seem to be revolving around this issue of an "empty sort of feeling, of not knowing what you are really pursuing that will complete your life", whether it's a situation in a work environment, boredom with what one is having and craving more, uncertainty over partners, etc. For myself, it is like facing a turnstile and not knowing which direction to go next.
I'm loving my break but yet, in some ways made to feel guilty for it. I should not have to say that at this age, and i do not want to name the people who make me feel guilty, cos i know i'm also one of those making myself feel that way. Perhaps it just comes from this socially-trained protocol to always be busy and lazing around is plain uselessness, but i cannot deny the fact too that in sg, money makes the society go around. And when my hands stop working, albeit some of my lovely generous babes, i still have financial constraints. haiz. such is the dilemma. Got work got money no energy to spend. No work no money cannot spend. Much as i would like to continue taking my well-deserved break, i'm already getting more than a few gentle reminders that i should be job-seeking. And i am. From a combination of gentle reminders and my own financial constraints.
Much as i long for a guilt-free long break, i know that in this time and age, it's highly impossible. I can only make do with what i have from my break and be grateful for it. I cannot say i'm grudging of this fact, cos i do fear of my skills going to waste and my brain matter decreasing from lack of usage for too long. However this is where i foresee myself in this stuck cycle. Work, then fearing a breakdown from stress and fatigue, then take a break, then face societal pressure, then find work again.
I can only hope my sanity remains with me till the end of my cycle. Otherwise, I can once again rely on the strength of those who understand me, and my own strength to get me by. Since i know i wanna be pretty self-reliant, i should get used to this cycle pretty soon. Till i find the strength to explore broader horizons, of which i'm sure will aid my stuck cycle crisis.
Nobody said growing up was easy, but more than this, i still wanna be grateful for my own little piece of blue sky and not whine too much about the current state of affairs i am in, cos i know i'm a survivor, and will rise above it all.
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